Wherever you go, There you are

Life Lesson #23

noreply@blogger.com (Brownie) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 03:29:00 +0000

Here in these deep city lights, girl could get lost tonight. I’m finding every reason to be gone. There’s nothing here to hold on to. Could I hold on to you?

I’ve recently hit that same wall of reality that I’ve watched my older friends and siblings experience in their first few months/years as former college students. Hit is a light term. I’m pretty sure I crashed into it, which actually isn't all that bad. Crashing created a strong impact, so maybe after a few more go’s I’ll be through to whatever awaits on the other side. I just hope it’s not another wall…

It took me longer than I expected to fully acknowledge that I have to hold myself accountable and take full control over the direction of my life now. I did the whole 4-year college thing and chose not to go straight to grad school so I no longer have such structured expectations to fall back on. It’s just me and the rest of the world, living our lives.

This is all normal, from what I understand – simply a part of the whole coming-of-age process. What really jarred me was that I caught myself doing something I swore I wouldn’t do. I promised myself I would never let myself get stuck; that I would never be someone so caught up in the daily grind that they forget about the goals they had previously set for themselves. Yet, there I was, living day to day, falling into a sense of complacency, and promising myself that one day in the not-so-distant future I’d be doing something I truly cared about.

Now, it’s not like I’m about to quit my day job tomorrow and do something extravagant. This wasn’t that type of awakening. It was simply a lesson that it really is all too easy to just let life happen to you and sometimes it takes a lot of effort to hold the reins and steer. Thanks Life, duly noted.

The Life of a Professional Job-Seeker

noreply@blogger.com (Brownie) — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 15:59:00 +0000

You know how when you join networking sites like linkedin or go out for happy hour with a friend and their co-workers and there's that question: So, what do you do?

I've decided saying: "I'm a professional job seeker" sounds more interesting than "I'm [still] unemployed]" (well, maybe neither of those would sound so good on linkedin...)

My weekdays consist of waking up around 9am, grabbing a FiberOne bar or pop tarts, driving to the Greenbelt Metro station where I ride the Metro to U St.

I then proceed to spend most of the day sitting in a comfy chair at Busboys and Poets, sipping my latte (gotta make it last) and applying for jobs. I do this mostly because my roommate and I can't get our internet to work at home, but also because at least it gets me out of the house.

I have developed a fairly comprehensive routine once I open my browser: gmail, 'new tab' then: idealist, gwork, devex, washington post, washington city paper, craigslist, sometimes monster and linkedin, and then any company/organization websites for vacancies that may not have been posted elsewhere yet.

Sometimes I'll look at the traineeships, CEEDs, and MC positions on myaiesec.net longingly. A new PBOX in Colombia is about to open that would be perfect, but I'm gonna try not to get my hopes up for that until more information is available.

Around 6pm, when I can't take cover letter writing anymore or start to get frustrated, I go further downtown where I watch cash cab and jeopardy with my friends Tom and Katie before returning to Glenn Dale for dinner, maybe a movie or reading a few chapters before bed.

Wake up. Repeat.

Hi world. Please employ me. Thanks!

noreply@blogger.com (Brownie) — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 03:00:00 +0000

"Dear Amanda: We regret to inform you that we cannot fulfill your request for employment. Things are hectic now and there's simply just no time to train you in the crazy, mile a minute world. While we cannot accept you now, we will keep you in mind in the future. Thank you for your interest. Sincerely, 'the World'"

This pretty much sums up my life right now (thanks to my contextually hilarious roommate, Erika).

I have options. I do not worry whether I will find something worth doing. The desperation comes from waiting to land the job I want and figuring out worthy back-up plans or interim options. At this point, if I don't get the kick-ass job with FORGE working with refugees in Zambia, I'll probably end up teaching English in Colombia. Why is that my back-up? I really want to go to Colombia, good pay, and health insurance. But, for now, I just have to wait and hear back about Zambia.

This is definitely an interesting time. In a month, my friends and I will be dispersing throughout the globe indefinitely. It's liberating, exciting, and kind of terrifying. There's this sense of urgency to soak up all of DC and do everything I never took advantage of, but always wanted to (and then realizing I don't really have the time or money to do it all). There's the shared concern of keeping in touch with friends who will be far away (especially because I am terrible at doing that). The interesting prospect of meeting new people and making new friends (though, how that happens is still a fairly baffling process). The apathy as securing a job and living up the last month grow more important than coursework. And, ultimately, the looming shadow of "good-bye" that we all know is coming.

4 weeks until the semester ends. 5 1/2 weeks until graduation. Crazy.

Everybody Sails Alone

noreply@blogger.com (Brownie) — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 23:23:00 +0000

But we can travel side by side
Even if you fail
You know that no one really minds. (KT Tunstall)

Astronomy/Cosmology is something that has always piqued my curiosity. I was watching an episode of "The Universe and Beyond" on the History Channel this afternoon (great series, btw), and it is really fascinating how inconceivably large the Universe is. The show at the Griffith Observatory planetarium in LA pans out from LA to the Earth, to our Solar System, to our Galaxy, to the billions and billions of galaxies out in space just to provide a glimpse at how vast the universe is. When I go to Durango, I can always see millions of stars at night and it's strange to think that some of the stars we see are no longer in existence; that the spark of light I am seeing has travelled several lightyears in order for it to be visible from a small town in SW Colorado on a tiny planet on the edge of a galaxy.

So, contemplating the universe is intriguing, but how does that translate to reality as a member of this organism called society? The more I think about it, the more obvious it becomes that life is about being interesting (to yourself) and doing what matters (to you). I mean, you have this one life on this one planet for a relatively short period of time in this incredibly vast universe, what difference does it make?

It's more than just living in the moment, carpe diem-ing and all that. It's thinking about the big picture, about the days when your sitting with your children or your grandchildren. What kind of stories are you going to have? What types of experiences will you share with them? Our lives, however cosmically short they may be, are full of choices, are made up of choices. In the end, these choices are all we really have, or at least the consequences of these choices. So I guess the question is how to decide which choices are the right ones. But that's for you to decide.

"This Way" by Dilated Peoples

noreply@blogger.com (Brownie) — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 17:33:00 +0000

This has been the song in my head. This post is also a test to see if Blogger has stopped hating me.

I, I can't live my, can't live my
yeah, I can't live my life this way, continually get high
Instead of runnin 'round, lock one bird down
it's a new day gotta do it big just to get right
show no respect? can't live that way
you hold my check? can't live that way
without my chick on deck? can't live that way
They say what they like, but I've been that way
Our moves calculated through the lens, almost here
Success will be the best revenge
man, from Clint East' to Kanye West
Som can't chill but everyday it says:

This time I made up my mind
This time I'm back on my grind
I know there's things in my life
That I'ma let go starting tonight
I can't live my, I, I can't live my
I can't live my life this way

To infinity and beyond...

noreply@blogger.com (Brownie) — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 02:17:00 +0000

So here's my status so far:

Tonight - Peace Corps application about to be submitted

Wed. Jan 28 - meeting with my professor to get some advice about establishing Our Voices, the refugee organization I 'proposed' last semester

Feb 7th - Taking the Foreign Service Officer Test

Back-up plan: Traineeship

I think it would be an incredible challenge to establish Our Voices, and amazingly rewarding if I pull it off, but part of me feels it might be better to get some more field experience before I start creating something potentially controversial in potentially dangerous and/or unstable locations. (hence the peace corps option)

These next two weeks will likely have a significant influence as to which direction I'll decide to commit to. Commitment of this nature has always been an issue for me. The Foreign Service is something I've always debated with myself, whether or not that's the avenue I really want to go. It was my initial career goal in studying international affairs and still holds some appeal, plus taking the test would be a helpful experience. I doubt I'll pass, but who knows?

All I know is that being stuck in a cubicle, biding my time with menial tasks, is not someplace I want to be. Not unless I know it's a necessary step toward a long-term goal, which is not yet the case.

"We'll see," said the Zen Master

noreply@blogger.com (Brownie) — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 08:57:00 +0000

New Year's Resolutions:

1. Establish Our Voices, the organization I proposed last semester
2. Get a well paying job this semester to earn and (more importantly) save money
3. Use said money for travel and/or OV (or perhaps travel for OV)
4. Reconnect with old friends
5. Stay focused

Entering 2009 is very different from 2008. In 2008 I knew where I would be throughout the year, or at least where I would end up. 2009 is very open-ended. It's exciting and unnerving at the same time, but I guess that means that this is going to be a very pivotal year in terms of starting down a new path. The OV project is definitely my goal, there is too much behind it and too much potential not to try now. That is the only thing that has really been clear.

That and more traveling. There are so many places I still want to go to, so many I really want to experience. It's going to be a challenge to decide when, where, and how long I can give to each place as well as finding the means to do so. But like most of my traveling, at least travel for travel's sake, the opportunities will present themselves as they come.

PS I just saw Slumdog Millionaire. It was fantastic, like super fantastic. SEE IT!

Me Enamora ... and other things

noreply@blogger.com (Brownie) — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 17:30:00 +0000

Earlier this semester I was very frustrated. The classes that I am taking only seemed to be a cage, a window in a high tower overlooking mistakes and devastation that my classmates and I appeared unable to fix or help. Now, however, that frustration is stripping itself away. I think this research project is the most beneficial part of my education thus far. Considering that my research does not completely kill my idea, it is my goal to make it a reality.

This week in DC is the first ever FotoWeek (awesome!) and so last Saturday I had the opportunity to get my photography portfolio reviewed by a professional. I sat with Frank Van Riper and I told him about my refugee project and not only was he supportive of the idea but he dropped some gems on me in terms of how to make my project better as well as photographers I should look into who do similar work. It was definitely a helpful push in the right direction.

Needless to say, that daunting notion of what to do after G-day is growing less and less foreboding. I'm still going to take the Foreign Service exam, though even if I do get far along int that process, I don't know that I will accept a job in that department just yet. The Peace Corps is another option, though I'm putting that off until next semester. But my main focus right now is putting in the preliminary work (i.e. this research paper) to try and get this project off the ground. I will lay out more details after I have completed some informational interviews that will give me a better gauge on how my idea needs to develop.

For now, I will simply leave you with the song in my head. Which, along with several other tracks on my ipod, remind me of the far away people and places that I am missing.

"Me Enamora" by Juanes

Cada blanco del mi mente
Se vuelve calor con verte
Y el deseo de tenerte
Es mas fuerte, es mas fuerte

Solo quiero que me lleves
De tu mano por la senda
Y atrevesar el bosque
Que divide nuestras vidas

Hay tantas cosas que me gustan hoy de ti

Me enamora que me hables con tu boca
Me enamora que me eleves hasta al cielo
Me enomora que de mi sea tu alma sonadora
Esperanza de mis ojos
Sin ti mi vida no tiene sentido
Sin ti mi vida es como un remolino
De cenizas que se van, oh
Volando con el viento

Yo no se si te merezco
Solo se que aun deseo
Que le des luz a mi vida
En los dias venideros

Leeme muy bien los labios
Te lo digo bien despacio
Por el resto de mis dias
Quiero ser tu compania

Hay tantas cosas que me gustan hoy de ti

Me enamora que me hables con tu boca
Me enamora que me eleves hasta al cielo
Me enamora que de mi sea tu alma sonadora
Esperanza de mis ojos
Sin ti mi vida no tiene sentido
Sin ti mi vida es como un remolino
De cenizas que se van, oh
Volando con el viento

I LOVE DC

noreply@blogger.com (Brownie) — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 06:07:00 +0000

It's circa 11pm, and we're flipping back and forth between Indecision 2008 and Fox News (gotta balance it out). Cheers echo from different parts of the dorm's courtyard depending on which candidate has been called in a state. Suddenly, resounding screams of excitement ring through the building.

"What?! Which one got more votes?"
"Oh my god! Obama won!! He's declared at 297 votes!!"

We all scream with delight. Alright, so what to do now? Take a few shots and go outside to "storm the streets". But where to go? Where would the mass of our fellow students who live in the heart of Washington, DC go to celebrate this momentous occasion?

The White House.

The four of us (my roommates and I) were there as our fellow students marched, ran, and skipped the 5 or 6 blocks to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. to celebrate in front of the future home of the next American President, Barack Obama. It is something indescribable; to be surrounded by a sea of people, especially young people, cheering and chanting for our confidence in the future. Not even the rain could deter us. To share a moment like this, in a place so symbolic, with so many people... that is the kind of memory that grows old with you.

I'm really excited to see what Obama will accomplish. Now the real work begins for him. In the meantime I'll try to get my voice back and rest up for my classes tomorrow.

The Human Voice

noreply@blogger.com (Brownie) — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 06:34:00 +0000

When it is genuine, when it is born of the need to speak, no one can stop the human voice. When denied a mouth, it speaks with the hands or the eyes, or the pores, or anything at all. Because every single one of us has something to say to the others, something that deserves to be celebrated or forgiven by others. Eduardo Galeano

I couldn't sleep so I decided to keep up on my homework: reading Pathologies of Power by Paul Farmer. I highly recommend this to anyone interested in Human Rights, poverty, refugees, or global health. He's a bit intense, but whether you agree with him or not, his arguments are incredibly relevant.

Farmer uses various quotes from notable individuals like Galeano and Amartya Sen to introduce chapters. When I finally have some spare time (aka after this week) I think I will read more from Galeano.

Saving the world?

noreply@blogger.com (Brownie) — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 00:49:00 +0000

That is, of course, assuming that the world wants to be saved in the first place. Something which I'm growing increasingly doubtful of.

So, I've been going through a serious mental debate for the past week or so. My classes this semester have done nothing but expound on the frustrations of the classes of previous semesters about the state of the world and the ability of people like me (privileged, educated, American) to improve it. Between my human rights class, where we discuss whether rights should be universal or not and why (or why not), to my international orgs class which discusses the role of orgs in the world and how they've screwed up (and sometimes help), to my politics of modern Iran class which only seems to illustrate our nation's ignorance in foreign policy... it's been a very frustrating couple of weeks. As an international development major, this invariably leads me to question what exactly I'm trying to do and what exactly I want to do in the "real" world (which I will be entering this coming May).

And here's where you come in, whoever is still with me on this anyway. One of my assignments for one of my classes (international organizations) is to write a proposal to either reform an existing organization OR to create a new organization to address some problem in the world. Here's my issue: I don't want to reform an organization because, frankly, no matter how good a proposal is, unless the organization is really willing to stick to it and commit to change, it's pretty much gonna stay the same (prime example: the UN). But I'm having a hard time thinking of an organization that will (a) be feasible and (b) not add to the ever increasing bureaucracy of IGOs/NGOs.

If you have any ideas, I would love to hear them. Here's what I've got so far (very vaguely):

1. A Government/Governance consulting org: in the developing world, governments are increasingly dependent on NGOs to provide services for their citizens/the state because they don't have the resources and/or infrastructure (or even the will) to achieve such things themselves. So, this org would work with governments to assess their needs and existing resources and help them work with (and develop) what they have in order to start taking care of their citizens themselves. I see TONS of issues with this in practice, so it's a very rough idea but that's the gist. It also seems a bit similar to an organization called the Oxford Policy Group...

2. Some sort of International Space organization. I've been reading a lot of articles about various space programs and astronomical studies/developments recently, but there are only 1 or 2 international organizations dedicated to this. My inhibition with this is: why should we fund something like this when there are many things on this earth that could use financial support?

3. Some sort of refugee relief provider. I need to look into this a lot more cause I'm not sure what services the various relief organizations provide, but the idea would be to cater more towards the psychological well-being of IDPs and refugees around the world. Whether that's actual therapy or some sort of entertainment/extracurricular activity program I have yet to figure out.

Yeah, so those are my (very) rough ideas to hash out, but I could definitely use some help. I mean, I guess I don't have to take this project so seriously and do something I know will get a good grade or whatever, but ideologically I'm having a hard time justifying the creation of yet another organization that falls into the abyss of idealism that sounds good in theory but does jack shit/ creates more problems in practice.

On travel

noreply@blogger.com (Brownie) — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 20:04:00 +0000

There is much to be said of travel. There is much to be said about the flaws and downfalls of society. And there is much to be said of independence, of ultimate freedom, that often leads to loneliness.

For me, the purpose of travel, or of choosing to be free, is to understand. To understand others as much as myself, to understand the wonders of nature, and that no amount of wisdom gained from any experience means knowing. For as far as I have understood, no one ever really knows anything. We put our trust in faith and call it truth -- but even truth is indefinable, so we put our faith in trust.

To open our eyes to the world, to push ourselves out of our comfort zones, is to expose ourselves to humility and teach ourselves trust. And somewhere along this path is the undying hope of discovering that ever-elusive truth, even though we may never truly uncover it, for we can never truly know it. At least not in this life.

Applying my major

noreply@blogger.com (Brownie) — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 08:53:00 +0000

As an International Affairs major, concentrating in International Development, I have read a lot about foreign policy and conflict and globalization and some about the organizations involved. Provided the recent politics of an international organization near and dear to my heart (AIESEC), I've begun to look closer at something that I started to notice last year at an international conference.

My experiences in this organization, coupled with my studies, have shown me that many international organizations are really just microcosms of the geo-political reality, regardless of their missions. For example, in AIESEC, conflict between the US and the rest of the global association has been rising and falling, but ever-constant for the past few years. The US is trying to streamline the core work of the org to make operations more efficient in order to grow exponentially and achieve more quantifiable results. It has been hesitant to comply with the demands of the rest of the association because doing so might mean adopting regulations that may not be effective and for fear that consenting could lead to an infringement upon its sovereignty and thus hurt its efforts to expand and improve the organization as it sees fit.

In looking at other international organizations the US belongs to, like the UN, the IMF, and the World Bank, it's not all that different. The US carries a lot of weight in all of these organizations, and in many ways these organizations might not function properly/may not have been started if not for the US, due to its political and economical fortitude after the Second World War (See Bretton Woods and Dumbarton Oaks). As a result, the US rarely compromises on its foreign policy within these organizations, if ever. It has yet to sign the Kyoto Protocol because it doesn't think it will be effective, and while it signed the nuclear non-proliferation treaty (approximately 40 years ago), it's debatable whether or not it has violated this treaty through certain NATO agreements.

I'm not sure if the connections I've made are clear, but to be honest I don't really know how to accurately explain them concisely. There are more examples I could use involving other countries within these orgs, but this one is clearest to me right now (though it's still a bit rough), and again there's the whole conciseness issue.

What these connections make me wonder, though, is how effective are any of these organizations in reality if all they do is perpetuate the status quo under the guise of international cooperation? Perhaps with this new wave of globalization in the post-Cold War era, the days of these post-WWII organizations are coming to an end. Do these organizations really have the capacity to create the changes they strive for within our global structure? Is it time for a new system of international networking and collaboration to be developed?

Who knows? Maybe it's already developing...I should look into that. I guess it's a good thing that one of my classes this fall is "International Organizations"

IF - by Rudyard Kipling

noreply@blogger.com (Brownie) — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 07:14:00 +0000

This is probably my favorite poem. I feel like now is one of those times when I need it the most. Others might find it helpful too.

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Okay, I'm not so sure about that last line, but it doesn't take anything away from the rest of the poem.

The greatest sport ever

noreply@blogger.com (Brownie) — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 07:43:00 +0000

Rowing. I'd forgotten how much I loved this sport. It is the definition of teamwork. There are no time-outs, no substitutions, no mvps. It's just a group of people pulling their weight in perfect unison to cross the finish line together. In this sport, no individual can claim responsibility for winning a race for their crew, an individual can lose a race (they miss a stroke, their oar gets caught, etc.) but when you cross that finish line -- it is thanks to every single person in that boat working together, exhausting themselves to be the first over the line. Learning what it means to pull as a team, to succeed as a team, to fail as a team, to be a team was an invaluable experience for me. If everyone could try this sport to understand just how hard it is, and just how rewarding it can be when successful...

This video is amazing, super motivational

A great way to wake up in the morning

noreply@blogger.com (Brownie) — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 17:17:00 +0000

With kisses...even if it is from a dog. My sisters have a dog named Holly. She is a spoiled beagle, but re-damn-dorable (aka pretty gosh darn cute). She has a bff named Jones who is a mutt with adorable batty ears and definitely has some shepherd in her. I love Jones (I love Holly too, but Jones is more my kind of dog). Anyway, Jones slept over our house last night because her 'mommy' had to go to work super early this morning.

So around 9 am my door busts open as the two dogs enter to greet me, all excited and very awake. Jones climbs right up into bed with me, lays down on my arm and rolls into the "rub my belly for I am a buddha" position. Then proceeds to lick my face in gratitude after we spoon, while Holly lays on my feet. It was a nice, cute, cuddly way to be pulled from slumber on a rainy morning.

I've been in Portland for about 2 weeks now. It is such an awesome summer city. I mean it's a great city in general, but it rains like 8 or 9 months out of the year here, so when it starts to warm up and be sunny more consistently, everyone wants to come out and play. There are loads of festivals and different things going on. Last weekend was Brewfest. This weekend is the Red Bull Flugtag. Next weekend is the Bite of Oregon...see what I'm sayin?

Some fun facts about Portland I learned on a kick-ass walking tour my sister and I took our parents on yesterday:

- Portland has the second most microbreweries in the world. Just after Cologne, Germany

- It's also the second whitest town in the United States...after Seattle

- They used to have canoe races down the streets (yes the streets) back in the day because of how often the river flooded from the snow-melt and rain. I think that sounds like a lot of fun...

- Unfortunately, because of all the flooding and poor sewage system in 19th century, Portland was a stank-ass place. You know the term "nose-gay"? Comes from here, referring to the flowers people pinned to the collars of their shirts to sniff when the smell was too bad.

- During WWII, a bunch of people were brought here to work in ship-building factories, mostly African-Americans. They lived in a town built to accommodate the large number of workers surrounded by a train berm. When the river was on the verge of flooding, they asked the city to send someone to check out the berm to find out if they needed to evacuate. He assured them the berm would hold. Sure enough, that night it collapsed flooding, destroying the entire suburb. Funny how history repeats itself, isn't it?

- This is where "shanghai-ing" (otherwise known as crimping) originated.

- I'm gonna stop with this one before I re-cap the entire tour: There is a bar here that does a thing called "karaoke from hell" They give you a sheet of lyrics, and when you go up to sing you are backed up by a live band. I think that deserves a FAWESOME (haven't used that blended word in awhile)

So, ipso facto, Portland is a pretty fun and interesting place. I really love how each city has a unique flavor that makes it something special, something different from every other place - and somehow this shows how much people in all places have a lot in common.

Home

noreply@blogger.com (Brownie) — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 01:28:00 +0000

Sometime last year, when I was coming back late to DC from New York, some Latino started a conversation with me while waiting for the metro. I had mentioned that I was tired and just wanted to go home. “So you live with your family here [in DC]?” he asked. And my reply was that I lived in a campus apartment with friends, not family, as I studied in DC. “So this isn’t your home. Where is your home?” Now, as I was tired, I didn’t really feel like debating the different definitions of home, but nevertheless it was interesting to meet someone who had such a rigid definition.

For me, any place I’ve lived for a significant amount of time becomes home, and stays that way in my mind ever after. It’s not so much the places that define home though. It’s the people. You know the saying “Home is where the heart is”? Well, I believe that. Wherever I’ve lived, blood family or not, there are people who I grow to love as much as family, and whenever I’m with them I am home.

So, Shamong, NJ, where I was born and raised is home; Durango, Colorado, where my parents built a second house (that will eventually become their only house, apparently once I graduate) is home; DC, where I live and study is home; and now Tunisia (Tunis in particular) is also home.

As much as I thought I was ready to come back home to the US, I realized that I am never ready to say goodbye, especially to the places – to the people – I call home. Inchallah I will see Tunis again some day.

Thoughts before leaving...

noreply@blogger.com (Brownie) — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 12:36:00 +0000

This'll just give you a gander at the way my mind works for your amusement and for me to regain some sense of sanity:

Holy shit, I'm leaving Tunisia tomorrow. I'm really going to miss this place. Maybe I should stay. No. I don't want to stay. I want to come back. I'm definitely coming back. But I won't stay. Oh my god, I'll never see (insert names here) again. Shut up, Amanda. Don't think like that. You'll be in touch, and who knows if and when you'll see them again? It's possible. Haha remember that time Danny tried to kill that cockroach in the bathroom and it totally freaked him out (pause for laughter...eyes start to water). Nope, don't start cryng, Manda, you're laughing right now (phew, that was close). Damn, I'm going to miss this cafe. Where the fuck is Marwa? She better not be sleeping, if she's sleeping I'm going to kill her. How late are the souks open on Saturday anyway? Pretty late right? How much longer should I wait for her before I just go by myself. I totally shouldn't have put off this whole gift-buying thing for the last minute. Maybe I'll call someone else to come with me...nope if they're not also asleep right now, they're probably not close to downtown. It's too hot outside right now anyway. I feel like I should call people. I don't really have anything to say to them right now though. Except maybe goodbye. Don't really want to do that right now, I've avoided crying so far and I'd rather not cry in public alone. Is that weird? Probably not. What else could I be doing right now? Beach? nah, not interested. Wandering around Marsa or Sidi Bou? Too hot, kinda far, not that special to me. Ya shumi, where is Marwa? Wallah. Who else do I want to call? (go through phone numbers...not here, not here, who the fuck is that, at work...hmm) Do I really want to buy a chechia (traditional tunisian hat) for my dad/brother? What else would be a good souvenir for guys that don't smoke shisha? Okay, we're giving Marwa another 30 minutes and then I'm just gonna take care of this by myself, even if it will be more expensive. Oh, hey she's calling me. Yup, she was sleeping. On her way, okay. So how do I want to kill the next hour or so? I can't believe I'm leaving.

Dreams...

noreply@blogger.com (Brownie) — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 12:04:00 +0000

As I sit in my café waiting to leave with a friend to her uncle’s wedding 2 hours from Tunis, I am thinking about my experience here in Tunisia, the good and the bad, about the bittersweet goodbye that’s coming in a few short days, and what it is that brought me here. Watching two good friends of mine go through their LC’s exchange system on myaiesec.net, it’s very clear to me that, despite not really doing a traineeship, this crazy organization is very much responsible for my 6 months in Tunisia. I never would have applied for a study abroad program here if I hadn’t met the Tunisians I met at an AIESEC conference in Morocco, my first eye-opening experience.

Now, I’m watching a revolution unfold within my own country. In government, there’s hope for a change, a desire to believe that one of our presidential candidates can start our country down a better course. But also, perhaps a bit closer to my heart after all of the work I’ve dedicated (and continue to dedicate), is the other revolution of hope that is taking place within AIESEC US.

When I arrived in Tunisia, as far as AIESEC was concerned, I was pretty burnt out. I had spent a year as LCP, working hard to strengthen my LC, connect it to the international network, and supporting national endeavors to meet similar ends. After all of that, getting away from the politics and the accountability was a welcome vacation. Now, though, after this whole experience I am re-motivated to contribute my time and energy to this organization. What’s happening now is troublesome, but necessary. There are several extremes that are butting heads and achieving the best solution will be challenging, but I know that this will ultimately be beneficial not only for AIESEC US, but also for AIESEC in general.

Almost exactly 1 year ago (1 year and a week to be exact), our previous MCP sent an email at the start of her term to everyone, and she said:

Dreams are meant to be something to yearn for amidst the daily reality that we are faced with, they are not meant to be something that we can easily see or can easily reach, they are the fuel that takes us where we want to go.
AIESEC is a dynamic organization, it is an organization that has been around for over 50 years and has impacted hundreds of thousands of individuals lives.
Today, you are part of AIESEC and you are in a place that so few people will ever have the chance to be, a place where you have access to resources that many people can only dream about, a place where you are able to interact with motivated, driven individuals on a daily basis that inspire you to do more, and a place where you have the ability to directly change someone’s life every day.
Sometimes I think we lose focus on the dream that we are all here in pursuit of, and I think it is really easy to lose sight of that …I cannot wait to see what we achieve over the next two years and throughout everything that we will go through, I want you each to remember that ‘things worth doing seldom come easy’.

We are all in for a challenge, but I remember now, more than ever, why I choose to give so much of myself to the work of this organization. There is life outside of AIESEC, there are other ways to achieve similar dreams, but for me I didn’t find those things first, I found AIESEC, and I for one am not ready to give it up. What about you?

Nobody said it was easy...

noreply@blogger.com (Brownie) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 13:16:00 +0000

... No one ever said it would be this hard

Now that I've had some time to catch my breath and escape the American ghetto (what I've been calling the apartment I share with 2 other American AIESECers here, Danny and Alison. We killed 6 huge cockroaches last night. Gross.) Hasilou, now that I've had time to chill the fuck out, it's no longer so overwhelming that I'm leaving this place in 2 weeks. I kind of freaked out about it a little yesterday...in that sense throwing a US history book at cockroaches and smashing them with Danny's sandal helped release some tension.

I went to my friend Marwa's house for the most part of the day yesterday and hung out with her and her crazy sisters. I was invited to their uncle's wedding next week in Beja and they also mentioned going down to Hammamet for a day at the beach and going to a club there (it's a popular summer city for stuff like that). Plus, my friend Houssem is trying to get a group together to go to Tabarka in the north for the Jazz festival this weekend. Houss, another good friend of mine is leaving for Egypt this weekend, my friend Monaem leaves on Monday, and I have a handful of other people to meet for coffee/hang out with for one last time and when Marwa's sisters threw out all of these great plans I felt like I had so much to do and no time to do it.

I want to drink up every last moment I have here. And I don't want to say good-bye. I hate saying good-bye (who doesn't). I've been trying to avoid the idea for so long that now that it's real I don't want it to be. I'm ready to leave Tunisia, but I'm not ready to leave my friends behind. Ugh, no matter how you spin it goodbyes fucking blow.

If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me
For I must be traveling on now
Cause there's too many places I've yet to see.

For if I stay here with you now
Things just couldn't be the same
Cause I'm as free as a bird now
And this bird you cannot change
No, this bird you cannot change

Lord knows I can change.

Well shit, did I just go and learn something?

noreply@blogger.com (Brownie) — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 13:58:00 +0000

So, as I've started to say my good-byes (a couple of my friends left for vacation the other day and won't be back before I leave in 2 weeks), I've begun to look at this experience on the whole. I remember back to when I first felt the frustrations of living in a foreign culture, and along the same vein as this guy, I've been getting to know myself on a much deeper level.

Last week I had a "click" moment. All of the things that I'd been struggling with, all of the thoughts that I was caught somewhere in the middle of suddenly made sense. I felt like I could finally see things for what they were. Now, I'm beginning to see myself a lot clearer as well.

I learned that I try to run away or hide from things that I'm afraid to face. Like as much as anyone can try to run away from anything. I also learned that what I was always afraid of doing with people who I didn't know very well, for fear of appearing a burden or bothersome, are things that I do with the people I trust to be good friends of mine, and those things are normal (in short I had nothing to be afraid of).

It took me waay too long to understand and acknowledge these two weaknesses. There's naturally a whole lot more to my self-analysis, but these two things are what seem to have most affected my experience in both positive and negative ways. And as I've slowly realized this, I've also been learning how to overcome them.

I have to say that for realizing I have two very socially based weaknesses, there's no better place to learn how to ameliorate them than such a community-driven place like Tunisia. In fact, the friends I've made here and the general exposure to this culture are what helped me to define them and I feel an infinite amount of gratitude for that.

So: Thank you, Tunisia. You've most definitely joined the list of places that will forever have a piece of my heart.

Ironic or new advertising strategy?

noreply@blogger.com (Brownie) — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 12:59:00 +0000

So here in Tunisia, illegally downloading movies and shows from the internet is, well, legal. There are DVD stores all over the city that will burn you the latest movies and TV series for your viewing pleasure for the equivalent $1.50 (though you can find cheaper).

So the other day I pop in the new movie I bought and what comes up on the screen? One of those ads about how piracy is bad followed by the DVD menu where I pressed play and enjoyed the show.

I was amused.

This crazy thing...

noreply@blogger.com (Brownie) — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 11:27:00 +0000

So I've more or less decided that I'm coming home in July (I still haven't bought a ticket yet, though...). Je ne sais pas por quoi, but for a long time (I've been mulling this over in my head for the past week) I've felt...I guess guilty for wanting to leave -- well not so much leave as wanting to return to the US. I guess I viewed it as giving into homesickness, and thus giving into a weakness for the familiar, and maybe it is a little (and that's normal), but I think it's more that I've realized that I've been enjoying and living this life that I made for myself here all along. And while I never stop learning new things here, I'm ready to leave this life behind. Akahow, c'est tout, that's all -- nothing more, nothing less.

I've been keeping a list of the various things I've learned about Tunisia, life, myself, and people in general since I came to Tunisia, kind of like a cliff notes version of my journal (which I've also been keeping). I updated it the other night and saw that it's getting pretty long, and my time here still isn't over. It has been more enriching than I could have ever expected.

Anyway, the point is that it should never be so much about the time you had, or the time you think you should have in a given place or a given situation. It's about what you do with that time and understanding that you have to learn to accept things for what they are, not for what you want them to be. Life just is. It doesn't try to be anything more than that. If you go through life waiting for it to start, you'll be waiting for a long, long time. We are what give Life it's meaning, so it's really up to us to decide what we want out of it - it's up to us to give ourselves purpose.

(Why do I always feel like these realizations are so simple and obvious after I have them?)

Here’s the day you hoped would never come
Don’t feed me violins, just run
With me through rows of speeding cars.
The paper cuts, the cheating lovers,
The coffee’s never strong enough,
I know you think it’s more than just bad luck.

There, there baby, it’s just textbook stuff.
It’s in the ABC of growing up
Now, now darling, oh don’t lose your head,
Cause none of us were angels
And you know I love you yeah.

"Speeding Cars" Imogen Heap

Mobility

noreply@blogger.com (Brownie) — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 14:16:00 +0000

Did you know that in order to get a Visa to the US, Tunisians have to pay 200 TD (which is half of a good monthly salary...which most people don't get) and THEN they get an interview at the embassy so that maybe they'll get to visit The Land of the Free? And, according to my friend Hatem, you have to pay this fee every time you want apply for a Visa.

Americans can stay in Tunisia for up to 4 months without paying a cent for a visa or stepping foot in a Tunisian embassy.

Remember kids/fellow patriots, you're blue passport is a golden ticket and most of us didn't have to work very hard to earn it, we were born with it. Never forget how lucky we are for the rights that we have.

Back in Tunis

noreply@blogger.com (Brownie) — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 11:33:00 +0000

It's amazing how much the little things can change a situation. One nice person can redeem 20 assholes, one quick joke can relieve previously insurmountable tension... life sure is funny that way.

I'm back in Tunis after a week touring Cairo and Athens. Despite getting a bit sick in Greece from something I had in Cairo, it was a very entertaining, much needed vacation. It definitely felt strange to return to Tunis, though. Especially with 2 of my fellow travelers returning home to the US while I continued my North African experience. Indeed when I got arrived at the airport I just wanted to go home and crash, but I couldn't quite let my guard down just yet. I had to get a taxi. I wasn't too worried for this after Cairo, considering taxis in Tunis have meters and as long as you make sure they turn it on (which I've never really had a problem with) it's pretty hassle free. Oh, but the line of taxis at the airport are another story, as I was quickly reminded. The first guy told me 10 dinar (about $7) to my home in Ariana (about 10-15 minutes from the airport) cause he had been waiting for 2 hours...I told him no, use the meter cause I'm not paying 10 dinar. Then some other driver came up to me and was like, "yeah, the meter, the meter" we almost get to his cab and he was like 20 dinar. I couldn't stop laughing as I tried hard to remember the Tunisian I hadn't really practiced all week to explain just how absurd that was and I wasn't going to fall for it. Finally I got into a taxi that had just arrived and used the meter. It was 1.5 dinar.

Anyway, as I sit here enjoying my favorite cafe downtown, people watching, I'm trying to figure out just how much longer I want to stay in this truly intriguing country. I've been considering leaving a month earlier than planned and go live with my sister in Portland for the remainder of the summer. My reasons for leaving are a bit varied, but essentially, while there are things I love about Tunisia, I'm not in love with Tunisia and I know, no matter what, leaving will allow my appreciation for it to grow, but sometimes I fear that staying will diminish it. Whatever, it's all about the attitude anyway.

However, when I think about leaving, I start to think about the things I'll miss. This cafe, for example, it's a theater that the owner runs as a cafe when there aren't any shows in production. It's secluded, it's not on the main avenue and it's off the street so, especially for foreign women like myself, it really cuts down on harassment, plus it has free wifi (providing you buy a coffee or a soda or something). But this is a place where you will find very few foreigners. (My friend Rim: "You went to Etoile?! By yourself? But only Tunisians go there!) It's full of young Tunisians and actors, particularly the ones who are trying to rebel against the societal norms of Tunisian mainstream culture. Gays come here, rockers come here, some couples come here cause they can get away with more PDA (no kissing though), and anyone whose just looking to relax with friends and not be judged or hassled by superficial passers-by. Coming here and watching this does two things for me: first it provides a sense of familiarity, as this is the type of atmosphere more common in "western" cultures (though it's still not quite the same), and secondly it provides an interesting look at Tunisian society, seeing the contrast from the people who come to this cafe and how they interact and those at the more "popular" cafes both downtown and in the more posh neighborhoods of Ennasr and the Menzahs. Anyway, it's arguably my favorite place downtown, if not in Tunis...

Anyway, most of what I think I'd miss are little things like when I hear the evening call to prayer walking home from the grocery store with the sunset that paints the clouds an orange shade of pink and the moon is already shining or the good, but clearly non-native english that some of my Tunisian friends try so hard to practice. Either way, I still have at least 4 weeks here and the only thing pressing me to make my decision right now is flight prices (sometimes I think I should become a pilot so that I can just fly myself everywhere I want to go...assuming I had access to a plane...and fuel)