Frustration

I’m frustrated because my Academic Director keeps changing the details and due dates of our papers
I’m frustrated because I feel like I’m not getting anything out of these lectures, even when I could be.
I’m frustrated because it’s easier to blame my AD and allow my respect for him to wane when he’s not all that bad.
I’m frustrated that I’m not on a traineeship and I’m having trouble finding one here (or something I could turn into one)
I’m frustrated because I feel like I keep hesitating
I’m frustrated because I feel like I’m wasting opportunities and it’s my own fault.
I’m frustrated that I’m letting myself get frustrated
I’m frustrated that I don’t always do something about being frustrated
I’m frustrated that I don’t know French or Arabic well enough
I’m frustrated that I get ripped off if I don’t have a Tunisian or a man or a Tunisian man around and I can’t always call people out on it (see above)
I’m frustrated that I find myself unintentionally clinging to English and the Internet
I’m frustrated that it can be so easy for me to do that here sometimes
I’m frustrated that some of the things I’m discovering about myself are weaknesses that I’m not entirely sure how to deal with
I’m frustrated that I sometimes look at my host family as an obligation or a burden when they have been nothing but amazing to me
I’m frustrated about boys
I’m frustrated that the ones I usually call on in times of need are not readily available like at home
Moreso, I’m frustrated that I feel so dependant on their thoughts and input...or maybe that I don't feel as though I have people like that here
I’m frustrated because I feel like I have to censor myself here when I want to talk about issues that are important and interesting to me
I’m frustrated that such censorship is overlooked, maybe even encouraged
I’m frustrated that I don’t know what all of these frustrations mean
I’m frustrated because I’m bitching while there are worse things happening in the world and my bitching isn’t doing anything to make it better

Some might call this the end of the honeymoon stage, but I still refuse to let Tunisia get the best (or should I say worst?) of me. I came to Tunisia to discover a country and a culture; I thought I had already found myself. Turns out you never really know everything about yourself, because every time you leave your bubble it’s like meeting yourself for the first time. In going through these changes and uncovering pieces of my personality that were hidden stateside, I’ve begun to question myself a lot, especially my flaws. Some of these questions I’m not sure I’m ready to face just yet, some of them have been rather rewarding. And now I can feel an intertwining of person and place as the battle for some common ground rages between Tunisia and myself.

Menarefsh - Je ne sais pas - No sé - I don't know

Something feels...off

I think I just need a good cry to get myself back on track, that or less time to myself. In general things are going pretty well, I can't really complain. There are quite a few things milling about in my mind that I need to figure out how to articulate. Some interesting observations from the past week or so, for sure, though I'm not sure how much I'll be able to write about them here, for a variety of reasons...(see the previous sentence)

En tout cas, until then I'll just have to find myself a crying movie I can watch to get it out of my system.

Here goes...

(hi, achraf)

So, the reality of staying in Tunisia for the summer is growing stronger. I have a meeting with the director of an English school in a few hours about job opportunities that will pay well (part time too, which is great) and an offer for an internship on the table. The apartment search has also begun with some potential, but much needed research. I don't know, as my academic program nears its end and everyone begins to shift their focus to what they'll do after they leave Tunisia...I sometimes have to force myself to remember that I'll still be living here in June, July, and August.

I'm really excited, especially because I will be able to focus more on what intrigues me about this country and worry less about the obligations of an academic program, but the more I get to know this country the more I begin to feel the frustration that comes with living here. A lot of it is the decline of the honeymoon stage as the true contrasts in culture become clearer, (though I refuse to let this decline get the best of me) but some of it is a frustration that even some of my Tunisian friends feel.

Time here is an abstract thing. Deadlines are fairly fluid and 5 minutes means an hour. It's all about the people you know, not necessarily the system. It's very nepotist and there's sometimes this attitude of "it doesn't matter to me so why should I worry about it/why should I make it better," This of course depends on the situation or the person and sometimes I appreciate the nepotism and different approach to time. It's definitely a culture that provides a new understanding for relationships and priorities, but the more I see and learn, the more I see the negative affects this attitude can have. Tunisia is not a country where the issues or conflicts are seen materially, but rather through social interaction. You're eyes can easily deceive you here.

Every time I have second thoughts about staying here, the more determined I am to go through with it. It would be so much easier to just go home to the US where I understand how and why things work and return to the comforts of a familiar place. But if I stay, perhaps I will learn how to understand the how and why of Tunisia and, should I ever return after this experience, it too will be a familiar place.

Let the music play

I'm one of those weird people who lives life through music. I know a song for every occasion, for every season, every mood. If I don't know a song that can capture something I find one or I try to make one up (though I'm not so good at the latter). I don't know what it is exactly that drives this, but the way the words mesh with a melody and a beat just seems to make them more meaningful or more... communicative. Different songs give me energy, or calm me down, or help me release my sadness. It's not about the bands or the genre for me, but about what an individual song expresses and how effectively it speaks to me. Perhaps this is something I developed growing up, this haphazard attachment to music, as a substitute for relying too heavily on other people (something I still have a hard time doing, or admitting to) and perhaps my years as a dancer played a significant role in looking for meaning in a song. As I've grown into myself, though, this need for music has stuck and become a big part of me. (I never really realized how much until different people on different occasions commented on my inane ability to sing/know a song for any given moment)

My appreciation for certain songs always deepens at the change of a season too. So many memories are tied to so many songs from different moments in time and as the smells and sounds of a season arrive, so too do the memories and excitement brought by the music I listen(ed) to begin to resurface. The weather in Tunisia has been gorgeous the past couple days. The sky here is always a source of amazement for me as well. It feels so big, and it's soo blue and the way the clouds dot and sweep the atmosphere...it's something I always seem to notice. The big sky and the gorgeous spring weather in this place are meshing with the sensations enhanced by the music of this season. While Toto's "Africa" has been in my head of late, the song that is striking me most relevantly is a garth brooks song introduced to me by a good friend in Colorado (another place with a piece of my heart) driving around in the summer. Listening to that with the call to prayer resounding in the background and the sun shining through my window...it's these moments that just make me smile and say "Ahh, I'm so lucky to be living this beautiful life!"

Standing Outside the Fire - Garth Brooks

We call them cold
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
and risk the tables being turned

We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
that always comes with getting burned

But you've got be tough
when consumed by desire
Cause it's not enough
just to stand outside the fire

We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall

We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all

Their so hell bent on giving
Walking a wire
convinced it's not living
if you stand outside the fire

Life is not tried
It is merely survived
if you're standing outside the fire

There's this love that is burning
deep in my soul
constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to climb
higher and higher
I can't abide
Standing outside the fire

"Silent Sea" by KT Tunstall

I was happy in my harbor
when you cut me loose
Floating on an ocean
and confused
Winds are whipping waves up
like skycrapers
And the harder they hit me
the less I seem to bruise

Oh when I find the controls
I'll go where I like
I'll know where I want to be
But maybe for now
I'll stay right here
on a silent sea

where soul meets body

There's something in me that feels...unsettled. I'm not sure what it is exactly, but it has to do with living here in Tunisia. I'm not sure if it's that I'm changing or if my soul isn't quite satisfied yet. I'm really enjoying experiencing my life here. I've been making friends and maintaining a pretty active social life while trying to respect and appreciate my family. That's one thing I've definitely become more aware of here - family. Living at home and being more aware of how I affect their lives due to my efforts at cultural sensitivity has taught me to find a balance between the social and familial that I have a hard time appreciating at home in the US. Sure, being a host-daughter is different than being a "real" daughter, but the values and respect I find myself trying to maintain are pretty universal in the realm of daughter/sister-hood. It's given me a newfound respect for family, at the very least.

It's also becoming harder to answer the question all Tunisians ask upon first meeting: "so, what do you think of Tunisia?" I take this as a good sign because the reason it is harder to answer is because I have more to say and it's not a simple matter of whether or not I like this country; it's the people I've met, the places I've seen, and the mentalities and cultures I'm starting to understand. It's no longer looking through the window, but crossing the threshold.

That being said, I think part of that dissatisfaction I'm feeling is the need to reciprocate the impact I'm feeling. My friends are either like-minded individuals, or I haven't taken an opportunity to talk with different people about their attitude/mentality about various topics. Thus far I've been playing the student, the observer, allowing others to "show" me how things are done and what the reality is here. Now that I've had some time to digest this, I'm ready to participate a bit more, to provide those who have opened my eyes to something new an opportunity to share in the experience.

Time is so fluid though. I only have a few short weeks to finesse my research project and figure that out, and I still have to figure out what I'm doing with myself this summer...it's time for me to wake up.

It's funny how natural this place feels, especially now. It's also funny how such experiences as this shed light on undiscovered, unacknowledged pieces of your self, even when self-discovery is not the intention.

Houa yhib futbol barsha.

Translation: He likes football (soccer for the American crowd) a lot.

My host brother and I finally had (sort of) a decent conversation! I haven't really spoken with him much, mostly because there are usually people who speak english around when we're both in the same place and they just translate, partly cause we hadn't really been alone in the same place to try to communicate. I feel kinda bad cause people give him a lot of shit for not knowing english well, but honestly my french is probably just as good (or bad?) as his english so...yeah. It probably doesn't help that every time I try to speak in french I inevitably end up speaking in spanish, either...

Anyway, next week (or the week after next?) he's going to a football game and he said I can go along, which is actually pretty exciting cause I've been wanting to see what games are like here (not that I go to matches in the US, but that's another reason for wanting to go.) En tout cas...I was happy for this breakthrough, even if it's a small one.

In other news, I've been asked to be the OCP of a Women's rights/issues PBOX here...I'm not sure if I'm gonna do it. I'd be interested to work on the project, especially if it will help me find an internship here for the summer (thus far a fruitless search). I'm just not sure that I really want to take on such a leadership position at this point in time, plus I kinda feel like one of the LC members here should get first dibs on such a position. It would be a great experience, but I've been enjoying my vacation from responsibility. Well, we shall see, we shall see.

"Look into my eyes" by Outlandish

Look into my eyes
Tell me what you see
You don't see a damn thing
Cause you can't relate to me

Divided by our differences
My life makes no sense to you
I'm the persecuted one
You're the red, white, and blue

Each day you wake in tranquility
Your fists across your eyes
Each day I wake in gratitude
Thanking God he let me rise

You worry about your education
And the bills you have to pay
I worry bout my vulnerable life
And if I'll survive another day

You're biggest fear is getting a ticket
As you cruise your cadillac
My fear is that the tank that has just left
Will turn around and come back

Chorus:
Yet do you know the truth of where your money goes
Do you let the media deceive your mind
Is this a truth that nobody knows
Has our world gone all blind
Yet do you know the truth of where your money goes
Do you let the media deceive your mind
Is this a truth that nobody knows
Some one tell me

Oh let's not cry tonight
I promise you one day it's through
Ohohoh my brothers
Ohohoh my sisters

Oh shine a light for every soul
That ain't with us no more
Ohohoh my brothers
Ohohoh my sisters

See I've known terror for quite some times
57 years so cruel
Terror breathes the air I breathe
It's the check point on my way to school

Terror is the robbery of my land
And the torture of my mother
The imprisonment of my innocent father
The bullet in my baby brother

The bulldozers and the tanks
The gasses and the guns
The bombs that fall outside my door
All due to your funds

You blame me for defending myself
Against the ways of my enemies
I'm terrorized in my own land
Or am I the terrorist?

Chorus

Salaam haram?

This chica recently brought up the topic of the ideal world, and whether or not it can exist. I think the truth is that the world requires a balance of some sort, which means there will always be have-nots. The things that they do not possess may change (whether it be money, food, education, etc), but there will always be people who are more X than other people….there’s no love without hate, no good without bad, and no peace without conflict.

I see what’s happening in Gaza right now and I find it disturbing, but at the same time it’s more of the same. You have to ask, when will it ever be enough? What has to change in the world to stop something like that? Every time I’ve studied/debated/examined the Israeli-Palestinian issue, it always comes to the conclusion that the region was fucked over by colonialism and the evolution of various ideologies converging and no solution can really be reached without the whole-hearted cooperation of both the Israelis and the Palestinians, and not just the Palestinians but also the rest of the Arab nations. It’s an issue that has transcended a bilateral conflict to the point that it is considered an issue that involves and unites all Arabs (considering pan-Arabism is an evolving ideology like nationalism). It has a significant ripple effect. So then is it better for this conflict to remain as a balance to stability elsewhere? Or would the ideal (that the conflict end) really be desirable?

Looking at the news, Gaza isn’t the only place that seems perpetually stuck in conflict…there is still a very clear distinction between Us and Them when it comes to the developing world and it’s issues.

The sad reality is better than blissful ignorance, but I hope for the sake of humanity that facing the reality of situations is not cause to deter efforts to help. Even the direst situations have hope; there are always opportunities to make a change. I remember when learning about collective memory, an article was talking about the Holocaust as a point of comparison for all genocides after it. The UN, when debating what to do for the Rwandan genocide in 1994 were asking “Is it truly holocaustal or merely genocidal?”

That question disturbs me. Whenever civilians start dying at a rate that brings “genocide” to mind…I think that pretty much signifies action needs to be taken to stop the violence. I don’t care what language they speak, the color of their skin, what their religion is, or where they are on the map. People are people.

No, Mr. Taxi Driver, I'm not married. Why do you ask?

Well, after 1 month of living in Tunisia, I'm finally getting better at understanding the Tunisian Dialect. That is to say, I can follow the flow of a conversation, I probably couldn't tell you exactly what someone said and if someone directed questions to me in dialect, I'm usually like, "shnua??" But I generally know what people are talking about (especially when numbers, food, and days of the week are involved) So, yay for improving my language skills! But boo for not feeling entirely comfortable conversationally...

I will say that my adventures in practicing Arabic are generally entertaining. I think the taxi rides are my favorite. If the taxi driver thinks you know the language (French or Tunsi) he will inevitably try to chat you up. And the 'conversations' that ensue are pretty interesting, especially when you're an "exotic" looking female on her own. My faves, in no particular order:

Taxi story #1:
I took a cab with Houssem to go downtown to meet friends for coffee like the 2nd week I was in Tunisia. It's like a 15 minute ride from where we were. 5 minutes in, the cab driver pulls over on some random street and says to Houss "I have to use the toilet, go ahead and move the car if you have to while I'm in there." (umm, okay...) See, he had pulled over into a 'parking space' that didn't really leave any room for other cars to pass. So inevitably, some cars come and so Houss gets into the drivers seat and pulls the cab up to the corner where we wait like 5 or 10 minutes for the driver to come out. Just about when we were ready to just get out of the cab and walk, the driver comes back and proceeds to talk to Houss emphatically in Tunsi all the way to the main drag. Apparently, he had gotten into a fight with some guy who disrespected him and he's gonna go back and put him in the hospital after he drops us off and then he gave Houss his whole sad, life story and made him promise to tell me (don't know why...). Houss was like "I think he was drunk, he was talking crazy" I don't know about you, but I'm always comforted by the idea that there are drunk cab drivers navigating the streets. Though, with the way people drive in Tunisia, it doesn't really surprise me...

Taxi story #2:
So, just the other night I was at the usual cafe downtown and grabbing a taxi home. Now, every other night I've been downtown, one of the people I've been with has told the cab driver how to get to my house for me (pretty nice, right?), but I was like, no it's time I learn how to do this myself. I'm pretty familiar with the drive back to Bardo at this point, and I was pretty confident with my ability to communicate directions in Tunsi, asking people how to say certain things and stuff like that...I think I was a bit cocky. Either that, or the driver was playing with me...which I totally think he was a little at some point. He kept asking questions in Tunsi, and I'm pretty sure they were the same ones, but I had no idea what he was asking half the time. I think that he thinks he's invited to the states or something...I have no idea, but he would usually ask a question that consisted of 5 words, 2 or 3 of which i would understand and then guess what he meant and then he'd laugh when i answered in arabic....and then we missed the turn to my house, so I then proceeded to entertain him by my efforts to act like I knew exactly how to get around Bardo. In a car. In the dark...Turned out I was able to get him to the right place on my own, but moral of the story: I need to practice my taxi ride vocabulary.

See, the other issue is that the cab drivers rely more on landmarks and a handful of important streets/their passenger for directions. The trick is knowing the real names of these landmarks/streets. For example, there's a metro station called "Republique" no Tunisian calls it Republique...it's "Passage" but there is no sign/map anywhere that will tell you that Republique = Passage. Translate that to cab directions when you know the map and you don't know how to say "Shell gas station" or "aqueducts" in Arabic and they don't know the streets you tell them...it can be an adventure.

Taxi story #3:
When I go downtown, it's a lot easier cause all drivers know the main drag, so giving directions is not really a concern. That doesn't mean that there's no conversation, though. One driver made a serious effort to communicate with me in French/Arabic/a tiny tiny bit of Italian. At first it was simple questions like, what are you doing in Tunis? Where are you from? and then Are you married? How old are you? Are you here with your parents? no. By yourself? no, with friends. Oh, okay...That's pretty much what I understood of the conversation, there was a lot of smiling and nodding involved on my part, especially when I didn't understand...I'm not sure what else was said/asked, but I was just happy to get that much out of a conversation.
It was innocent enough, but apparently some of my other American friends here don't really have many conversations with taxi drivers, so I'm not really sure what "normal" would be for a cross-cultural cab convo, and honestly, the drivers could be saying practically anything.

I will say that I have a newfound respect and appreciation for intonation and hand gestures. Even if I don't know what's coming out of someone's mouth, I can play charades to guess what they mean and decide if it's better to smile and say "yes" or not based on their intonation/facial expression. Thank god Tunisians like to gesture a lot when they talk (like Italians)...

I just can't refuse this, like the way you do it...

...please don't stop the music! - Rihanna, a song that has been stuck in my head all week.

Well, this country continues to intrigue me (and may it never stop doing so). The SIT gang (aka my study abroad group, which is 14 students + 1 Academic Director + Isaac Bolger, student support assist/AMIDEAST employee) toured the south this past week. Conclusion: Desert = gorgeous, Mediterranean = gorgeous. There are also interesting demonstrations of what Tunisians think tourists want to see/what the touristy places are; a lot of the rural areas in the south are very poor compared to Tunis (had an interesting conversation with my host mom about this...).

Pictures are slowly but surely making there way to facebook. My connection at home is a little slow in the upload department, so I'm gonna see if AMIDEAST is faster, cause I got quite a few pics.

I have to say I was a little disappointed with this trip, mostly because the point was to show us the affect of tourism on Tunisia via experience. Sometimes it was fun, but we also didn't really get to explore the south like I would've wanted to explore it, being shuffled from one site to another and eating in hotels mostly. It was also a lot of English, since our daily interaction with Tunisians was somewhat limited. I feel a bit like I have to make more of an effort to use French and Arabic now that I'm home in Tunis again.

I also realized that I really need to get on this whole summer job thing. So far the type of traineeship I'm looking for isn't really available here, but I figure, since I'm already here, it might be easier for me to find an internship myself and see if I can turn it into a traineeship. At least that way I'll have a job here no matter what. That was the other thing about this trip south, I really appreciated it cause I don't know how easily I could've done it if I were working, but if I were working and living here I could've organized a trip that allowed me more flexibility to see the 'real' south.

My favorite parts were the (somewhat) non-touristy things, with the exception of the sunset 4WD in the desert and karaoke at the hotel bar in Sousse, such as: Chilling on the beach in Djerba, the invitation into a woman's troglodyte home, Takrouna (a small village on a hill outside of Hammamet), and walking around the medina in Kairouan. It was more that these things were not geared specifically for foreigners and we had more agency to be on our own.

Anyway, moral of the story is that the South was pretty amazing, I had some pretty spectacular experiences that I really don't know how to sum up in this post, but I am glad to be back in Tunis. I feel like I'm finally settling in here, like I've almost found my niche, so we'll see how this week goes.

Fun Tunisian phrases/slang learned recently (spelled phonetically of course):

Halouf(a) - smart-ass
Shbeek? - what are you doing?
zib - dick, a fairly common curse word
shisha - not just a delicious tabacco form, but also slang for a bj
beem(a) - donkey
Andi rajoul. - I have a man (a handy term, whether or not it's true is irrelevant...)
Shnua tshouf? - what are you looking at?
imshee - go away
avreet(a) - sly, tricky like a genie
Mahbouba - the Tunisian translation of Amanda (Amanda means "loved one/worthy of love" in latin and Mahbouba means "one who is loved" in arabic, but it's an old-fashioned name)