What a world

Just finished the last Harry Potter. Finally. It was fantastic, just what I'd hoped...more or less. Isn't it amazing how easy and enjoyable it is to get lost in a world so separate from our own? There are moments where I felt like I would literally dive into the book and be able to engulf myself as though I were actually there (I kinda wish that was actually possible). Anyway...it sparked some great reflections that I must now continue in my dreams as I have to return to the real world and go to work tomorrow, and thus must get some rest.

Musings...'The Feeling' resurfaces

Do you ever feel like you were meant for greatness? Well, maybe not greatness, but something bigger? I know everyone is 'great' to someone or impacts certain people profoundly in some way...but do you ever just get that feeling.

It's the sensation that at any moment, some fairy godmother, some mysterious person comes out of nowhere to tell you your mission and introduce you to some secret society that's saving the world...or something. Now, obviously that kind of thing doesn't really happen. Life is life, it's not some fantastical tale.

But there's still that feeling.

I don't know what it is, yet again, and like someone said before if I could articulate it, then I'd have to figure out how to deal with it. It's just that feeling that something's coming, something big and that I'm to play a significant part. I don't consider myself to be more than mediocre, I'm probably the laziest person I know. When I compare all that I've accomplished with what others, friends, have done, I don't know that I'd consider myself very distinguished, very 'great'. Which is partly why I'm hung up on this, I suppose.

I just feel silly. I get this feeling, and I think about it, and reflect on it, and then I start to hear a voice that tells me things like, "everyone wants to believe their meant for something bigger, everyone wants to feel like they have a purpose, but it doesn't mean they're gonna do something big." You know, the voice that tells you when you're losing grip with reality and heading down to crazy town.

And then Donnie Darko popped into my head. How he saved the world as he knew it by dying in a freak accident. How, if he had lived, many of the people he cared most about would be worse off. So, ultimately, he died for a reason and he saved the lives of people he loved without realizing it. Which made me think, are we every really supposed to know? Are we all saving our world (meaning the world we know) with our actions without realizing it?

I just don't get where this feeling or this curiosity comes from, nor why I seem to get hung up on it.

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad World

New...

So many new things, wonderful, exciting, pee your pants can't sleep if you think about it new things.

Well, first, the New Job. I just started my internship and I really like it. I'm getting paid, the job itself is easy, it's interesting, and the people at the office are young and chill. I really like it, and totally don't mind the busy work cause I get to read about interesting projects and people, and I have my own cubicle! I know, cubicles aren't that exciting, but it's my first cubie and it's mine (my name is even on it) and it makes me feel official and I know that I'm not going to be confining myself to a cubicle as a full time job anytime soon...so, you know, there's no feeling of impending doom.

And, in honor of my newish business wardrobe...I can totally buy new shoes without feeling guilty...for work of course. There is nothing more satisfying than getting to shop for things like shoes and accessories you want because you need them. (really, i don't have any brown shoes, and black shoes do not go with all khaki outfits, and i have to look professional, right?)

I'm getting ready to do a whole bunch of Sales work for AIESEC, too. And it's new cause these are MY contacts and the prospect of going through the whole process of raising new traineeships is really exciting (though i'm trying not to get my hopes up...unsuccessfully).

I may not have to fork up money for the summer conference in Chicago and I don't have to take quite as many important days off from work. I mean, I don't get to go to the leadership meeting, which I actually do want to go to (seriously) but i'm not too heartbroken about it. why?

Cause in a little over a month (6 weeks) I get to go to Turkey!!! OMG I really can't express how excited I am. Mostly I'm excited to see the people I don't get to see or chat with as often as I'd like. A bunch of people from the morocco conference and a few others I've been talking with about various aiesec things. Sooo exciting! (finally I get to gooo somewhere)

And when I think about all of this great stuff going on, naturally, I start to get ahead of myself and think about all of the great things that could happen in the upcoming semester. So much possibility, so many great opportunities in the making. Really, the next 5 and a half months have the potential to be monumental and gratifying.

Though it's gonna take some work, so I need to make sure I don't get scared and do the whole 'hiding from the world thing' that I sometimes feel like doing when I overwhelm myself by overthinking things and putting them off until I put them off so much that I am then afraid to actually do them/work on them cause I don't want to appear irresponsible and lazy cause I put them off for so long so then they never get done, unless they're really important, but I freak out on the inside while I'm doing the important stuff, which kind of puts a damper on my whole attempt to appear smooth and suave. (yeah, that's just one sentence, it's supposed to be a run-on, I'm the master of run-on sentences...if there was a degree for run-on sentences I'd have a doctorate)

Alrighty, that's enough of me freaking out cause i'm really excited and freaking out cause i'm overwhelming myself by getting ahead of myself...i am suddenly gaining a fresh understanding of what Baz Luhrman means by "the race is long, and in the end it's only with yourself"...but now i'm just starting to ramble, so i'll stop, but more because I have to go to bed cause I have to get up early than for the fact that you've probly stopped reading this post by now and i'm just wasting my digital breath...

at Tryst...

Ok, so continuing this strange mood/feeling/phase, whatever it is, I was hanging out at a Cafe in Adam's Morgan called Tryst (great place, def check it out when you're in DC) and I had a mini-revelation. I say mini cause it's really just an idea/theory, but I still have absolutely no idea.

I wondered why we want to change things when we're young, but then the older we get the more content, or accepting, we seem to be about most situations. I feel like it has something to do with our ability to adapt and deal with whatever life throws at us. Like as we get older we just get so used to learning how to accept defeat, that we forget why we wanted to succeed in the first place. We learn to make compromises, to stop questioning and just accept certain things until we start to compromise ourselves.

I guess I'm starting to think the whole point is about never being satisfied, but always questioning; always asking 'why' or 'why not'. It's about always remaining true to your beliefs and never compromising yourself for anyone or anything. I feel like that's what 'jihad' means by struggle. Constantly struggling to uphold your beliefs (religious or moral) and stand by them. Though I think it should stop there. I don't think that remaining true to yourself or upholding your beliefs should imply imposing them on anyone else. Your actions should set an example for others to follow, not force people to do be someone they're not, or believe something they otherwise wouldn't have.

Basically, I've vowed that I will never let myself accept everything at face value. Well, at least that I'll never stop questioning things, because once you stop asking questions you stop caring about what things mean, you stop forming your own opinions until eventually you lose your voice, in one way or another. You allow yourself to become ignorant. It's not the answers that really matter anyway, it's the questions themselves that count.

"If I try to be like him, who will be like me?" - Santiago, The Alchemist

There's something happening here...

What it is ain't exactly clear. (bonus points for recognizing this allusion)

I don't really know what to write. I keep having these strong feelings about my government, about politics, and about what it means to be an American (mainly influenced by this special holiday) But everytime I start trying to put these thoughts into words it never sounds right.

I just see so many parallels throughout our recent history that makes me feel as though nothing has really changed, but then I think about the lives we are free to lead and feel as though we're lucky to have come this far.

I need change. I don't know if it's cause I'm young and naive/ignorant or if it's cause I'm becoming increasingly more aware about the state of our world, but I keep feeling like we're bordering on the edge of a revolution.

This feeling...It's a strange mix of dissatisfaction, confusion, and idealism. I don't really know how to handle it. All I can say is thank goodness for AIESEC. It's the one thing that makes me feel like I can make some kind of difference, cause some kind of effect in the world to alleviate some of these unsatisfied feelings. But as helpful as it is, it doesn't seem to be enough right now...