Sicko

So I just saw Michael Moore's new documentary. I wasn't hell bent on seeing it, mostly because Moore tends to exaggerate facts to make his point which distracts from the underlying issue and mars the integrity of his whole project. I wasn't sure if this was to be yet another volume in the saga of Moore vs. US Politics.

But I'm happy to say that it was tastefully done and a very good documentary. I really liked it. Of course, as in any editorial there are certain biases, but this time it didn't not take away from the whole point and the facts are still pretty discomforting, no matter how you spin it. I think my favorite part was toward the end, when he takes a bunch of 9/11 rescue workers to Cuba and seeing the hospitality and kindness of the people and the whole breaking down of cultural barriers (cough cough); I really appreciated that, I don't care if Castro had a hand in it has some sort of PR thing (you know, ensuring the Americans were treated well), those people weren't actors and what happened between them was real.

The whole thing just reinforced my extreme dislike for money. I hate money. I mean, I love having it, I benefit from it, but only because our society places so much damn emphasis on it. The whole greed thing and jacking up prices and everything that goes along with it just drives me insane. People always say, "well if you had money/if you were rich you wouldn't hate money." That would only be true if I was born into wealth; and that would only be because I wouldn't have the slightest idea what it's like to be without it. Ever since I was little I hated money, I didn't understand why we couldn't just print more of it, it was just paper, right? I mean, I'm American, I like having things and I'd do my share of unnecessary spending if I came into my own wealth, but I would also try to figure out how to help those in need of it. Everytime I pass a homeless person on the street (and there are plenty in DC) a little part of my heart breaks, especially when I don't give them anything. Despite my rationalizations, there's no reason why I shouldn't do so, as one human being to another. I'll stop here before I get on a soapbox...

There was something a retired British Parliament member said in the documentary. That, with the advent of democracy, the ballots replaced the wallet in dictating power and that after WWII the people said if we can earn money and pay to Kill people, then we should be able to do the same in order to Help people. And that's how their nationalized health system was formed in 1948.

I can't get over the common sense of that statement. I mean, there are tons of problems in the EU and Canada that can go along with nationalized healthcare and paid vacations, but the point is that the governments are trying to help the people by keeping them healthy and happy. The more I learn about today's global politics and economic policies the more I'm baffled by them. No wonder our world is in such a mess...not that it hasn't always been that way, but still...


An appropriate song, I think:

Some of them come now
Some of them running
Some of them looking for fun
Some of them looking for a way out of confusion
Some of them don't know what to be
Some of them don't know where to go
Some of them trust their instincts that something's missing from the show
Some don't fit society
Their insides are crying low
Some of them teachers squashed the flame
'fore it had a chance to grow
Some of them embres still glow
Them charcoal hushed and low
Some of them come with hunger supressed
Not fed them feel the death blow, yo

Young man, control in your hand
Slam your fist on the table and make your demand
Take a stand
Fan a fire for the flame of the youth
Got the freedom to choose
You better make the right move

Young man, the power's in your hand
Slam your fist on the table and make your demand
You gotta make the right move

youth is the engine of the world

("Youth" by Matisyahu...download it)

pondering

I've been thinking about AIESEC a lot recently. I mean, I think about it a lot as it is, but I've been thinking about it in a more holistic, semi-existential sense as opposed to what are the 20 things I have to do to do my job.

Some of my thoughts, a lot of them actually, are centered around that popular question that centers around commitment and why. Why AIESEC?

You know, there are a lot of people out there doing great things that aren't affiliated with @. AIESEC is a great organization, doing great things and with a great vision, but so are a number of other organizations, what really makes @ better? Why should people invest themselves in it more than any other endeavor?

To be honest, I don't know why. It's an organization that presents countless opportunities and I chose to take advantage of some of them. That's why, I suppose. Ever since MENA LDS my passion for the organization has been fired up. There was just something about the atmosphere and the people I met that made things clear. I am thankful to be in the position that I am and to have this opportunity to help and develop the organization.

I'll admit though, It's going to feel really good when January 1st rolls around and I no longer have so many responsibilities and concerns to take care of. And I can go abroad!! I am so excited to study abroad and do a traineeship. A part of me is a little disappointed I didn't do one this summer, but it's going to feel so good to get out into the world for my own adventures. I'm tired of living viacariously through my friends =P

This Woman's Work

So I went to this Jazz class on Monday night and let's just say I'm back.

By back I mean I'm back in the element, right back where I left off when I quit dance 4 or 5 years ago. Now physically, I need to build my balance and flexibility back up, it's there just rusty and out of practice. But everything else is all there.

I've been meaning to go to a dance class again for awhile, but it was always a matter of time and deciding which one. I've been in a very lyrical mood lately, so it was quite perfect when the instructor turned on "This Woman's Work" by Maxwell for a beautiful lyrical combination.
- for those of you who are not familiar with dance/dance lingo Lyrical dance is pretty self explanitory. The dance is based off of the mood and words of a song. It's very expressive and sort of tells the song's story. It's usually to slow, beautiful ballads and such (i.e. This Woman's Work)

I haven't been able to get the song or the combination out of my head. I guess the best way to describe the way it makes me feel is to say that it frees me. Now that I'm dancing solely for myself, without worrying about other responsibilities conflicting or about the instructor's opinion...you know, none of that history/baggage that went along with growing up in a particular dance studio and high school...anyway now that I'm just dancing for the sake of dancing it is the most liberating thing.

Think of the one thing you choose to do when you want to escape from the world, the thing you do to make everything just melt away and for me that's dance. When I'm dancing, I can let everything out. It's difficult to express in words, at least for me. There's just an energy about the music and the movement that cleanses the soul and let's everything go. And performing...man, there is nothing like dancing on stage, feeding off of the audience's energy and showing them how you feel.

And I'll let you in on a not-so-secret secret. When I found out that AIESEC did dances, that it was a pivotal part of the org's culture, I knew I was in the right place. I can't say that I would've been quite as excited about saving the world with AIESEC if we didn't dance like we do.

Alright, so I need to get this song out of my head, at least for a little while:

"This Woman's Work"

Pray God you can cope
I stand outside
This woman's work
This woman's world
Oh, it's hard on the man
now his part is over
Now starts the craft of the father

I know you have a little life in you yet
I know you've got a lot of strength left
I know you've got a little life in you yet
I know you've got a lot of strength left

I should be crying but I just can't let it show
I should be hoping but I can't stop thinking
All those things we should've said that we never said
All those things we should've done that we never did
All those things we should've given but I didn't

Oh darling, make it go
Make it go away

Give me these moments
Give them back to me
Give me that little kiss
Give me your hand

I know you've got a little life in you yet
I know you've got a lot of strength left
I know you've got a little life in you yet
I know you've got a lot of strength

I should be crying but I just can't let it show
I should be hoping but I can't stop thinking
All those things we should've said that we never said
All those things we should've done that we never did
All those things that you wanted from me
All those things that you needed from me
All those things we should've given but I didn't

Oh darling, make it go
Make it go away

More summertime adventures

So, my weekend was pretty uneventful after Thursday's outing. Other than the fact that I found a memory card in my karaoke revolution game that I then used to beat Guitar Hero 2 on medium, nothing really happened.

But monday? another story. The day itself was pretty dull, I did my normal loafing about the room, debating about what I should do to enjoy the day until about 4 pm. Basically the adventure begins with deciding to go to a Jazz class for the first time in about 5 years.

The highlights:

- realizing I've lost all ability to balance on one foot (dance-wise at least)

- I sweat a lot

- I need to work on my flexibiity

- I still have good turnout (yay!)

- We did a beautiful lyrical combination and apparently I moved well (also yay!)

- My bathroom flooded....badly, backed up pipe scum/smelly sewage and all (boo!)

- Apparently vacuuming up the water helps (according to the maintanence man who came and did so at 11:30 pm)

- Ivory Tower has a weird ass, speaking fire alarm (as in a voice tells you there's an emergency), which went off at 1:30 am just after I finally have a chance to go to bed

- The plumber shows up at 2 am then disappears

- I resign to sleeping on the floor of my roommates' bedroom

- the plumber returns around 3:30 am and proceeds to be noisy

That's pretty much the highlights. All I wanted to do when I got back from the dance class (around 11 pm) was shower and sleep and none were allowed. It was enjoyable, let me tell you.

Top 5 Reasons it was good to be sober last night:

So Jen and I decided to go out to dinner and then dancing at club called Love last night. While it was fun, we got quite a bit more than we bargained for.

First off, we didn't realize that the Gods were on our side when we couldn't get a drink at the restaurant. If we had been drunk last night, I have no idea where we would be right now...

So, after dinner we head back to the metro to head out to the club. Alright a little context: I am wearing a clingy shirt with a very low neckline (and for those of you who know me, you understand what this means) and Jen is wearing a shortish, bright blue skirt and heels. Clearly clubbing outfits, unless you're not by a club/in the city.

Okay, so we get off at the metro stop nearest to the club. Well, Love is located in Northeast DC (which is not the best part of DC, it's safer than Southeast which is the heart of the ghetto, but it's still very sketchy) and it is also about a 15 minute walk from the metro.

On this walk we received cat calls from all of the construction workers we passed. And then we decided to start counting how many cars honked at us on this sketchy-ass walk to the club at 10pm. Final Count: 20 + a really sketchy guy who pulled over and tried to offer us a ride. He said "Where are you going? I bet we're going to the same place." and we stayed far far away. (not that we weren't going to any ways, but it provided concrete evidence for us to do so)

Reason #1 why it was a good idea not to be drunk: sketchy walk to the club

So, we finally get to Love. Some more context: Love is a high quality nightclub here in DC. It's 21+ only except for Thursday nights when its "College age" night so they allow 18 and up in. My friends from school have told me how good it is, so I'm excited. Now I go to a very white school, so it just felt slightly awkward turning the corner to get in line for the club and realizing that Jen and I were seemingly the ONLY white people there. Once we got in we realized we were about 2 out of 10. I was happy though, I like dark men.

We get into the club at 11:30 (after waiting for about 20 minutes in the wrong line...go us) and head upstairs where there is some good hip hop dance music playing. We danced a lot, and managed not to get severely mollested (there were the unavoidable ass pinches and copped feels, but yeah...) I will say, compared to some of the other 18+ clubs in DC, this one had less sketchy people (in terms of old/awkward guys staring at you or dancing up on you) and definitely a good amount of attractive people. After a few good dances, a few awkward dances, and a few just plain uncomfortable dances, we decided to roll out around 2 am.

Reason #2: Considering some of the guys we danced with and the fact that 2 of them wanted us to go home with them, it was a veeeery good thing to be sober.

Now came the task of finding a cab that could take us back to Jen's place, since the metro closes at midnight on weeknights. Well, funny thing about Love/NE: 1) a lot of people drive to the club to show off their fancy, expensive, tricked out rides 2) very few cabs drive around NE...ever.

So we walk back up to the main street that Love was off of to try our luck. We were really hoping it wouldn't be too hard considering the sketchy guys who were hanging around and remembering the guy who pulled over earlier. We really didn't want to have to deal with that. So we lucked out and this cab picked us up.

Reason # 3 not to be drunk: finding a cab quickly

It wasn't so lucky though...

We told this cab driver where to go and then he said, "Where is that? I'm not a city cab, so I don't know where that is." Uh oh. Apparently he was from Virginia or something. I got nervous and looked around and couldn't really find the normal license/cab info that I usually see in cabs which didn't help. But, considering he was willing to take us if we could tell him how to get there and the fact that if we couldn't he just wanted to drop us back off and leave us to find another cab (slim pickins) we went with telling him how to get there. Unfortunately, we didn't know which way that was exactly...

Now, even though we told him the wrong way to turn, the driver was not helping. We (and by we I mean Jen since she knew where she lived) kept trying to tell him where to go as we were trying to figure out where we needed to go, but he was not doing a good job of listening. He was nervous, since he wasn't familiar with this area, and he kept trying to take us back to where he dropped us off, but we thought that was farther away from home than where we were so we didn't want to do that. We end up on this street with a whole bunch of like depots and ware houses, you know, there is nothing around. The cab wanted to take us back or drop us off, so we told him to drop us off in front of this police station we just passed.

Reason #4 not to be drunk: Crazy Cab ride/driver

So, now we're in the middle of nowhere, in Northeast DC, in front of a cop station that isn't a precinct...it's the crime scene investigator lab or whatever...it was closed is what it was. So we call up my friend Mike to get us the number for a cab company (now entered in my phone in case of another situation such as this) and call them up. Well, considering we're in bumfuck NE, there aren't a lot of cabs in the area, so who knows how long it's gonna take for the cab to get here. We come to the realization that the cab is probly not gonna come, at least not until 5 or 6 am (it was 3 am at this time) so we break down and call Jen's uncle Bruce. We felt really really bad cause we didn't want to call anyone to drag their ass out of bed to come get us, but luckily Bruce wasn't asleep (or so he says). I am going to send him a card or something.

Reason #5 to be sober: Being stuck in the middle of nowhere in sketchville NE

So, in the meantime, we're hiding behind a Police van so that we weren't in plain sight of the road, peeking out as cars pass by to see if it's Bruce. There wasn't much traffic, but there were a few every now and then and there wasn't really anyone around. One of the cops came out and talked to us for awhile, which made us feel a little better. He doubles as a Salsa Singer. He invited us to come and see him sing at El Paraiso restaurant. He gave us his card and told us to call him if we want to hang out there. It was a very random conversation/interaction, but it was definitely a welcome distraction. Finally, Uncle Bruce pulls up and saves the day and takes us back to their house. It never felt so good to arrive to a safe, familiar place.

And I think I'm gonna stay home tonight...

Things I want to do:

So I've decided to document the things I keep telling myself I'm going to do, cause maybe I'll actually remember to try and do them this way. Some may seem a tad ambitious, but if I could put a check mark next to all of these by the end of the summer I'll be a happy girl.

1. Write a song
2. Play the piano more often
3. Learn to play the drums
4. write a script
5. use my video camera
6. take more pictures of people (as opposed to objects or scenery)
7. go to [more] concerts
8. finally play that Twister Dance game I've been meaning to play since xmas
9. get back into shape and thensome
10. Take a dance class
11. Paint more
12. Make dinner for my roommates at least once a month
13. make up/choreagraph a dance
and here is the big one:
14. start a game of tag on the street with strangers...if you've seen ellen degeneres' standup you know what I'm talking about.

yup, that's my list. any suggestions are welcome

existential dilemma...

My life is a conundrum. I love being the center of attention, but I'm afraid of hogging the spotlight or attracting too much of it. I want to share my poems and theories, but I only write them in my journal (sometimes here) and I never really talk about them or try to share them with people (other than you who read my ramblings here). I desperately want to be an actress/performer (seriously, it's been a dream of mine since I was little, I'd tell you that whole story but it's too long to read) but I also want to make a real difference in this world and work for an NGO, and I have no idea how to do both, or if I even could. I never would have considered myself a leader, and yet here I am president of my AIESEC chapter, doing things I never thought I ever would (that's aiesec, I guess). I make excuses for people all the time (including myself) but I get disappointed when they don't follow through.

I am haunted by the idea that I might end up like the baker in The Alchemist, who didn't really follow his dream, his "personal legend." Maybe I'm taking too much stock in this book, the whole idea that when you really want to do something it becomes your mission on earth and that you're capable of doing what you dream of at any point in your life. But at the same time I wonder if it's just that my fear outweighs my faith, my passion. You know, the whole idea that Fear of Failure is the only thing that really makes a dream impossible. Or maybe it's just that I'm not sure what my dream is. I just don't know how to rationalize it and I'm left with "what ifs" and "if onlys" *sigh*

Well, as I am wont to do in moments such as this, I have written a poem that I dare to leave here:

When you're young, They tell you,
"You can do anything, kid, you're gonna go far."
But they don't tell you
that the secret is knowing who you are.

When you're young,
They take you to movies and give you books
that inspire goals and dreams.
But really, it's a lot harder than it looks.

When you're young, They tell you,
"Follow your heart, kid, and you'll never go wrong."
But they don't tell you
that the war between your head and your heart is hard and long.

When you're young, They tell you,
"Remember, kid, when one door closes, another opens."
But they don't tell you
that some doors are hidden and the search is sometimes hopeless.

When you're older, you learn
that life is full of difficult decisions.
But despite what they told you,
you soon lose sight of your youthful visions.

When you're older,
you struggle to find your passion and pursue your dreams.
And about what they told you?
You are quickly forgetting what it means.

But somewhere inside you
is a ray of light
that resembles your youth,
and reminds you to fight.
And somehow, someway you will understand
that life is a journey
and you are in command.

I am such a lazy bum

For some reason I've been stressing myself out lately. I don't have a job yet, I've had interviews this week, both seemed to go very well (but who really knows, right?). So, I have all of this time on my hands and all of these things I've been meaning to do: Get the summer AIESEC team together to start being productive, start learning french, figure out what I'm doing with CIBER, and a few other chores/misc. stuff. I guess having all of this time and no structure with a million things I could be doing overwhelmed me. I'm not used to that.
So, how do I deal with that kind of stress?
Only in the most natural way, hide like a little girl from the boogie monster by napping, watching movies, and doing a puzzle. Today I was much more productive, I'll admit, but I'm still having some serious fight or flight issues...and I'm leaning more towards flight than fight. I guess I'm more stressed cause I hate feeling like the lazy bum that I am, knowing that I'm not really accomplishing anything and that there are 100 better ways I could be spending my free time right now.
Whatever, I blame it on crew.

Meeting Marco

So I'm on my way back to DC today after a lovely week in Durango. The thing I love about flying is the great opportunity to people watch, and occasionally meet people. I mean when you think about it, sitting on a plane puts you in a forced social situation. Sometimes you just want to sleep or read or do anything but talk to the person next to you, but sometimes, when you're in the mood to take advantage of the opportunity to meet someone new, you meet some interesting people. The best story I have on this topic is when I met Marco flying from LA to Pheonix last summer.

I was reading Madeline Albright's The Mighty and the Almighty, when Marco looked over and asked me what it was about. I told him and a conversation was started.

Marco grew up in the San Fernando Valley and after high school he enlisted in the military. He loved the soldier's life and dedicated himself to the service. Then, one day after a few years of service, he went to his superior officer to tell him that he was going to resign. He felt the need to heed a higher calling and decided to join the ministry. (hence is interest in the title of my book) He is now married with 3 adorable children (2 sons and 1 daughter) and a youth minister back in the San Fernando Valley. He works a lot with troubled youth and they had just come from some retreat that had a really positive effect on them. It was really great to watch him talk about it. He was so passionate and proud of the kids in his youth group and so excited to see them changing for the better.

He asked me about what I studied and all that jazz and I told him my major and my plans for travel and an internship. His response was, "That's awesome!" with a big smile on his face. This man who I had just met was exuding so much positivity and excitement not just for his work but also for me. He told me that I was meant for great things, that I was meant to be a leader. How? He said he could see it in my eyes. He then asked if he could bless me (I let him) and then I prayed with him. Now, I'm not very religious. I don't go to church, I don't like the idea of people telling me how to pray and who to pray to. But I am spiritual and it was definitely an interesting experience praying with this random guy, a minister at that, several miles high in an airplane.

Before we parted ways he told me one other thing. He said that he didn't know why he felt compelled to tell me this bit of advice, he wasn't sure what it meant for me, but he advised me to stay away from negative people. He said that there is so much negativity in the world and that it's best to stay away from it.

I don't think I'll ever forget that experience, and I highly doubt I will ever see Marco again. But ever since then I have had some pretty interesting conversations with the person in the seat next to me on planes. You never know when you're gonna meet another Marco.

The Pit of Despair

I just watched Lord of War for the first time, and it brought up a lot of buried thoughts. The movie hits on a very sad truth: That violence is inevitable and that we live in a world dominated by the manipulation of this violence on a global scale. It sickens me.

How can we as human beings realize the immorality of that game and allow it to continue? How can I watch that with the initial reaction lacking any feeling of surprise or shock, just reluctant acceptance and disappointment? How has the world come to be so jaded and disassociated?

I look at the ways we have to change things. I look at the people who are in the strongest positions to turn things around and I see realism to the point of cynicism, stupidity, or apathy. I'm an idealist, I'm part of an idealistic organization...but I also can see the reality of things, the obstacles we face and the frustration that comes from slow results and the repitivness of history.

Why are we so afraid to break the cycle? Why are we so concerned with the outcome of the worst case scenario instead of potential solutions for it? Change wouldn't be so hard if enough people were willing to create it. But I guess that's the thing about change, once you change something, how do you maintain it? How do you prevent the cycle from repeating in the same way? Are we doomed to rule this world in circles?

When I think about this struggle, I think about why I'm even trying. What am I fighting for? And then I look at my life in Durango, I look at my friends all over the world and I have my answer. In these 2 things is all the beauty of the world; the physical and social; the environment and the people. I see too much good in them to lose hope. The awe inspired in me by these mountains, the love and passion I see in my friends...all natural things, all positive things.

There has to be balance, I understand that. In order to appreciate this beauty, in order to appreciate this good there must be the bad and the ugly. In order to truly appreciate peace there must be conflict. BUT it doesn't have to be as it is.

or does it?

I guess growing up in a capitalist society with a capitalist mentality, I see that there can never be true equality: there will always be rich and poor. Will our fight for equality overshoot this balance? Will our struggle to help the 3rd world become 1st world, the mistreated and marginalized become equal and legitimate simply turn the tables to the polar opposite, creating the same situation, just a role reversal?

I don't want to lose my idealism, I refuse to lose my hope. If I stop believing in a better world than there will never be one...but I worry that I may be like many dictators in Africa and the rest of the world: in fighting for change, in my efforts to make a difference I end up becoming the same as what I'm fighting against.