In the words of Garth and DCFC...

There's this love that's burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning
to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can't abide standing outside the fire

----

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know you're heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved
(I can only hope)

...I'm seriously sick of being single...

My little piece of heaven

There is absolutely nothing like this. There is nothing like sitting on the front porch with a good book in your lap, a cool mountain breeze blowing through your hair as the clouds blow past, the sound of chirping birds and frogs and the distant whistle of the train as it rumbles up to Silverton. Nothing like sitting safe in the sun as occasional bolts of lightning dart across the sky, the sound of thunder echoing down the valley off of the mountain sides as their snowy peaks are drenched with silky streams of rain. In an hour the sun is shining through the clouds, highlighting the red cliff sides that seem to glow among the green pines. It's just a typical May afternoon in Durango, I wish you could see it for yourself.

Decisions, Decisions

Oy, my mind is in 1,000 places right now. This happens every now and again when I get reinspired by past hobbies/interests.

See, I am a very curious and adventurous person. I want to know everything and do everything and go everywhere. It took me a long time to face the fact that, unless I find a sugar daddy, that's not gonna happen. But even with the awareness that I simply will not be able to do everything I want to do (at least not necessarily when I want to do it), as soon as I get free time to myself (i.e. summer) I try to figure out how I can squeeze in as many of those interests as humanly possible until I'm back to having no real life (and no money) again.

I want to learn how to play the drums. I want to road trip across the US and try and hit as many states as possible in a given amount of time. I want to try out/be in a play, or even better, a musical. I want to learn how to sail. I want to go to Turkey for IC. I want to go on a traineeship. I want to finish my quote anthology. I want to learn how to play soccer (you know other than you kick the ball toward the goal and try to get it in). I want to film, direct, and edit a movie, even if it's just for kicks. I want to choroegraph a dance to "Roxanne" and "He lives in you". There is so much more that I want to do, and I always feel as though I'm not gonna have enough time to do these and study and graduate and get a good, interesting job and start a family. I feel like so much of these opportunities are going to pass me by, and I'm never sure if these opportunities will be gone for good.

Right now I really miss Dance. From age 8-16 that's all I really was, just dance (and art lessons and voice lessons thrown in here and there). I competed for 3 or 4 years, but eventually I got tired of the bureaucracy of the studio, my favorite teacher had to move to a new job, and I discovered a newly formed rowing club. Rowing became my passion, and especially because I had a team holding me accountable, my commitment to crew grew to be more important than competing and dance lessons. But eventually crew was no longer as fun as it once was either.

My passion for these two things hasn't really died. Everytime I see a performance or people rehearsing, a piece of me misses the stage and everything that goes into choreographing and executing a good dance. Everytime I walk by the river or see people rowing, a piece of me wants to witness another sunrise on the water with the sound of oars clicking in unison. These are just the 2 strongest examples of passions I don't get to enjoy as often.

I am so lucky to have the opportunity to experiment and try these new things, and I feel greedy in wanting to learn more things and try new activities. They cost money, the take up a lot of time, and aren't directly helping or complementing my studies. The sad thing is that I generally do a lot better with these activities than in my academics. Maybe cause they're easier, or maybe they're just more interesting.

My main dilemma is in regards to my academics and what I want to do with my life. My GPA took a beating this past year, especially this past semester. My grades aren't horrible, they're just mediocre. I could've done a lot better if I had tried a little harder, but everything else I was doing just seemed so much more interesting, and honestly a lot more important to me.

I'm just starting to feel like my passion to learn these new things, or continue others just as a hobby is only going to take away from my ability to get some of those competitive internships that are out there. Is paying money to learn how to sail or take a dance class or two and maybe perform really worth it? Is satisfying my boredom by learning a new trick really better for me than taking that time to get ahead on work (or catch up for that matter)?

Everyone has their list of things that they want to do before they marry or before they die, and everyone makes sacrifices when they pursue their passions, but I'm still so confused as to what my passion is? Everytime I try to define it, it's something abstract or broad that could fit into any number of occupations and studies, so do I really know what my passion is? Can you have multiple passions for very different things?

Ugh. This has been far too long a rant. I'm just so confused...

Ahh, summer :)

I have been in the best mood for the past several days. I don't really know why, considering I haven't really done a whole lot, mostly sleeping, being lazy, and sending applications to internships. But I can't stop smiling.

I guess it's a combination of having a lot to look forward to and the happy memories of summers past. I mean, I hate too much heat, I absolutely loathe humidity, but I always have the best adventures in the summer. I'm excited to move into my new room (with a kitchen, finally!!!), I'm excited for my birthday on Sunday, for being in my little piece of heaven (Durango, CO) with my whole family (my family hasn't been in one place since last may, that's a long time to be apart) I'm excited for all of the great adventures and projects that I will have this summer. I'm excited for all of my friends who are going off into this grand world to have their own great adventures (though I'm also a little jealous).

There's just so much to be happy about, the weather has been perfect too. I guess it's like what some Moroccan told me when I commented on how nice the people are there, he said, "The warmer the weather, the warmer the people." It's so true.

Oh yeah, as a sidenote, another thing to be excited about is the gold mine that Mike and I discovered today. We were pillaging all of the stuff that the seniors had gotten rid of (there were at least 4 futons available, for free!) anyway, we came across 20 unopened, still chilled (now refrigerated) bottles of Heineken and Amstel Light. Sweet!!

Like no one is watching...

At some point during your day/week there is just one thing you have to do to feel really great (other than smile):

Turn up the music really loud, stop what you're doing and just Dance and Sing at the top of your lungs.

It doesn't matter where, it doesn't matter when, just do it. You'll feel great. Why? cause that's freedom baby, Free-dom.

The Long Way Around - Dixie Chicks

My friends from high school
Married their high school boyfriends
Moved into houses
in the same zip codes where their parents lived

But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

I hit the highway
in a pink RV with stars on the ceiling
Lived like a gypsy
Six strong hands on the steering wheel

I've been a long time gone now
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
But I've always found my way somehow

By taking the long way
Taking the long way around

I met the queen of whatever
Drank with the Irish and smoked with the hippies
Moved with the Shakers
Wouldn't kiss all the asses that they told me to

No I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

It's been two long years now
Since the top of the world came crashing down
And I'm getting it back on the road now

By taking the long way
Taking the long way around

Well, I fought with a stranger and met myself
I opened my mouth and I heard myself
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself
Guess I could've made it easier on myself

But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

Well I never seem to do it like anybody else
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
If you ever wanna find me I can still be found

Taking the long way,
Taking the long way around

--This song reminds me of 2 people, my sister, and a guy I worked with last summer named Jesse

Note to self... 5 years from now self, that is

So I was snooping through my (old) room, considering I haven't been back to my home in New Jersey for more than maybe 3 days in a really long time...I'd forgotten all that I kept there. Well, after discovering a key to a keepsake box (I felt a little like what's her name from the Secret Garden, you know, really excited and curious as to what I would find with that key) inside were some notecards with quotes on them, an autographed CD, and a few other random things...but I struck keepsake gold.

That's right, I found a time capsule I had made for myself as part of an assignment for my Behavioral Science class my Junior year of high school. Inside were some snapple caps with random facts, some french ticket that i don't remember (go me) and a letter, from myself to myself in 2008 (I know I know I read it a year early, but how was I supposed to remember that? I didn't say when I was supposed to read until halfway through the letter, blame the 16 year old me, not me me...um, yeah)

Anyway, so I read this letter and it made me smile, even laugh (apparently I'm a little funny, or at least I was). Well, much as I'd love to post the entire letter, I think that would be a bit excessive, so I'm just gonna give you some highlights:

1. I was tired cause I had a lot of homework, plus extra-curriculars....yup, hasn't really changed much
2. All through-out the letter are random outbreaks into song. That's right, even as a 16 year old I typed what I was singing along to when I couldn't sing out loud...and then I proceeded to treat the future me like an idiot by insisting on making sure I knew what song it was and who it was by, you know, in case I forgot (how could I forget U2, Bon Jovi, Phantom Planet?!)
3. I actually used the term: "like wow" as its own sentence
4. The point of the letter was to remind me how I felt when I first found out about September 11th (ok, so not a happy reason for the letter, but that was the class assignment part)
5. apparently I had made a bet with my dad that if I beat him in a 5k he would get me a car, which I totally forgot about (so, no, there was no race)
6. A lot of the questions I asked my future self (me, currently) are questions I still have, or at least the answers aren't what I expected back then
7. My secret desire to choreograph a dance to the Moulin Rouge version of "Roxanne" is just as alive now as it was then (apparently I was concerned about it in my letter to myself)

On that last point, it's actually quite funny cause I just watched Moulin Rouge yesterday (before I read the letter), and I thought to myself, I really need to take Tango lessons so I can choreograph that dance...ironic, no?

Anyway, if you ever have nothing better to do, write a letter to your future self (like 5 years from now future, not like 5 minutes from now future). It'll be really amusing, if not enlightening when you finally read it. And maybe you'll realize that no matter how much you change, you're still the same, old, whoever you are.

So, as 16 year old me ended the letter: Always smile, it always make you feel better, and it works wonders for others too.

Transatlanticism - Death Cab for Cutie

The Atlantic was born today and I'll tell you how:
The clouds above opened up and let it out.

I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere
when the water filled every hole,
and thousands upon thousands made an ocean
making islands where no islands should go
oh no.

Those people were overjoyed, they took to their boats.
I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flood lands to your door have been silenced
forever more.
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
it seems farther than ever before.
oh no.

I need you so much closer.

Ohana means family, family means no one gets left behind, or forgotten

How is it that only a few hours after leaving DC I already feel so far away from everyone? I'm so horrible with endings, good byes, all of that (I mean, I know I'll see most of the GW crowd again, I'm only a Junior, but still). I feel like I'm in some sort of limbo. There's the strange feeling that this past year has been a dream, that my friends from school are like some distant memory and then there's the strange feeling being home, the nostalgic memories that familiar sights recall and the discomfort at seeing all of the change.

It's so strange the way the past leaves imprints on your memory. They lay dormant somewhere in the back of your brain, as if hiding from you, until they're suddenly pulled to your consciousness by some random reminder and it's as if it was only yesterday that I was just a silly high-school girl who thought she knew everything about the world. Now, I'm a silly college girl who is realizing that the past runs away from you until you're too old. My favorite author once wrote, "Seek to live. Remembrance is for the old."

My deepest fear is that when I'm old and on my way out of this world my memory will fail me. Seeing how spacy my grandparents have gotten, even my mom, I worry that I will grow to be lost in some unfamiliar world that is far too small and hazy. I suppose that's why pictures are so cherished and the same with journals. What if I forget?

Think of all of the people who you've met, who you've interacted with. Think about the impression they left with you, especially those you don't talk to anymore, even the random people who stand out in your head. Everybody you meet has some influence over your life and some role to play. I once tried to write down the name/significant description of everyone I could ever remember and how they've affected me...it's a very long list, it's not even finished. I stopped working on it because there were too many, most of them only minorly significant compared to the others (but still significant).

It's so strange to me how details and people fade with time. I've never been good about keeping up with friends who go their separate ways. I don't know what it is about staying in touch, I guess I'm too focused on the next adventure, the next chapter that I forget to keep track, or, more often the case, I avoid saying goodbye. I don't really accept the fact that I may never see this person again, and so I don't get the contact information, it's as though, if they're not a part of my life now, then they never were...

I guess the point I'm trying to make is: Nobody should be forgotten...I don't want to forget you.

"Strangers are just family you have yet to come to know."

Snap back to reality

I'm done!! Finals are over, the essays have been turned in and it's official, sophomore year is over!!

Now I finally have time to organize the rest of my life, ay, what a chore. I still don't have an internship/job for the summer. I think I'm back to being complacent about it, though. For awhile I kept telling myself I had time to deal with it later, then I was pissed cause I ran out of time, and thus not much luck in finding what I want, but now I'm convincing myself that having THE internship (whatever that is) this summer will not be so bad, as long as I get some stimulating job. Besides, I'm going abroad next spring, and hopefully a traineeship after that, so I'm pretty sure those two experiences combined will make up for whatever edge I think I'm losing by not having a kick ass internship at some fancy organization this summer.

Ugh, there's just so much to do, so many choices to make, and I always feel like what I do now is critical to what happens after I graduate. I mean it is, and timing is everything, but I always think about the line from Baz Luhrman's "Wear Sunscreen" song/poem/thing about how the most interesting people didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their life... I swear, that song (let's just call it a song for all intents and purposes) lays out a lot of the guidelines I live my life by. If you haven't heard it, or haven't listened to it in a while...listen to it

Alright, whatever, I'm done rambling about my concerns about the future. I know what I have to do, I can't change what I've already done, and whatever happens, happens...it'll be okay. You know, sometimes I think I'm crazy for not worrying about things like this as much as my friends do, but I guess I just feel like I'd rather save my energy for other things, maybe it'll kick me in the ass later, but who knows?

And I leave you with part of a song: "Let Go" by Frou Frou

It gains the more it gives
and then it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote
can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow
such boundless pleasure
we've no time for later now
you can't await your own arrival
you've 20 seconds to comply

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is not far away

But tomorrow
is just like any other day
- if you think about it -
When Tomorrow comes
it will be the Today
that you planned Yesterday
(Let's be honest)
Did you really think
that today would be any different
than yesterday?
Everything is still okay.
Or is it?
You're still breathing
People are still laughing
Isn't it all the same?
What makes today different
than all of the yesterdays?
And how will tomorrow
be any better, or worse,
than all of the todays?
Don't you know?
Your life is already planned
The stage is already set
for You
to Live
Your days knowing that Tomorrow
everything will be okay,
just like today,
because it's all the same
... Or is it?

(why does this type of stuff only seem to come to me during the wee hours of the morning when i'm trying to fall asleep?)

What really matters

Ah, exams! The crazy time of year where people don't sleep and even non-coffee drinkers consume massive amounts of caffeine. It's so silly, really. We work so hard for such a short period of time for classes that generally feel more like a burden than an effective use of time. And what do we learn in the end? Not much, if you ask me. The information made available in classes is important and helpful, but in my experience I only really learn it if the professor is charismatic and enthusiastic. Even if I'm interested in a subject, if the class is dry, I don't absorb much.

I learn best by doing. I feel as though I've learned more about the way the world works and the present state of affairs from conversation with different people and travel than from sitting in a classroom being talked at by some guy whose only able to teach me anything cause he went out and got real experience.

There are more important things in life than getting an A. To me, it's about the little things you do with your time that define what you end up doing professionally. Grades are fine and dandy for bigwigs who require some measurable aspect of knowledge or live inside of their own box, but in the end, they don't really matter.

Being happy in this world is all about finding your passion, something you really enjoy, and doing it. Find the people you can have fun with and rely on and enjoy the ride. The real world is hard and scary at times, a person can go insane just trying to get by, especially if they try to do it alone, but if you follow your heart and avoid surrounding yourself with negative people you will succeed.

This may sound too idealistic, maybe I live my life looking through rose-colored glasses, but too many strangers have affirmed this notion for me to believe otherwise.