Life Lesson #23

Here in these deep city lights, girl could get lost tonight. I’m finding every reason to be gone. There’s nothing here to hold on to. Could I hold on to you?

I’ve recently hit that same wall of reality that I’ve watched my older friends and siblings experience in their first few months/years as former college students. Hit is a light term. I’m pretty sure I crashed into it, which actually isn't all that bad. Crashing created a strong impact, so maybe after a few more go’s I’ll be through to whatever awaits on the other side. I just hope it’s not another wall…

It took me longer than I expected to fully acknowledge that I have to hold myself accountable and take full control over the direction of my life now. I did the whole 4-year college thing and chose not to go straight to grad school so I no longer have such structured expectations to fall back on. It’s just me and the rest of the world, living our lives.

This is all normal, from what I understand – simply a part of the whole coming-of-age process. What really jarred me was that I caught myself doing something I swore I wouldn’t do. I promised myself I would never let myself get stuck; that I would never be someone so caught up in the daily grind that they forget about the goals they had previously set for themselves. Yet, there I was, living day to day, falling into a sense of complacency, and promising myself that one day in the not-so-distant future I’d be doing something I truly cared about.

Now, it’s not like I’m about to quit my day job tomorrow and do something extravagant. This wasn’t that type of awakening. It was simply a lesson that it really is all too easy to just let life happen to you and sometimes it takes a lot of effort to hold the reins and steer. Thanks Life, duly noted.

"This Way" by Dilated Peoples

This has been the song in my head. This post is also a test to see if Blogger has stopped hating me.

I, I can't live my, can't live my
yeah, I can't live my life this way, continually get high
Instead of runnin 'round, lock one bird down
it's a new day gotta do it big just to get right
show no respect? can't live that way
you hold my check? can't live that way
without my chick on deck? can't live that way
They say what they like, but I've been that way
Our moves calculated through the lens, almost here
Success will be the best revenge
man, from Clint East' to Kanye West
Som can't chill but everyday it says:

This time I made up my mind
This time I'm back on my grind
I know there's things in my life
That I'ma let go starting tonight
I can't live my, I, I can't live my
I can't live my life this way

Me Enamora ... and other things

Earlier this semester I was very frustrated. The classes that I am taking only seemed to be a cage, a window in a high tower overlooking mistakes and devastation that my classmates and I appeared unable to fix or help. Now, however, that frustration is stripping itself away. I think this research project is the most beneficial part of my education thus far. Considering that my research does not completely kill my idea, it is my goal to make it a reality.

This week in DC is the first ever FotoWeek (awesome!) and so last Saturday I had the opportunity to get my photography portfolio reviewed by a professional. I sat with Frank Van Riper and I told him about my refugee project and not only was he supportive of the idea but he dropped some gems on me in terms of how to make my project better as well as photographers I should look into who do similar work. It was definitely a helpful push in the right direction.

Needless to say, that daunting notion of what to do after G-day is growing less and less foreboding. I'm still going to take the Foreign Service exam, though even if I do get far along int that process, I don't know that I will accept a job in that department just yet. The Peace Corps is another option, though I'm putting that off until next semester. But my main focus right now is putting in the preliminary work (i.e. this research paper) to try and get this project off the ground. I will lay out more details after I have completed some informational interviews that will give me a better gauge on how my idea needs to develop.

For now, I will simply leave you with the song in my head. Which, along with several other tracks on my ipod, remind me of the far away people and places that I am missing.

"Me Enamora" by Juanes

Cada blanco del mi mente
Se vuelve calor con verte
Y el deseo de tenerte
Es mas fuerte, es mas fuerte

Solo quiero que me lleves
De tu mano por la senda
Y atrevesar el bosque
Que divide nuestras vidas

Hay tantas cosas que me gustan hoy de ti

Me enamora que me hables con tu boca
Me enamora que me eleves hasta al cielo
Me enomora que de mi sea tu alma sonadora
Esperanza de mis ojos
Sin ti mi vida no tiene sentido
Sin ti mi vida es como un remolino
De cenizas que se van, oh
Volando con el viento

Yo no se si te merezco
Solo se que aun deseo
Que le des luz a mi vida
En los dias venideros

Leeme muy bien los labios
Te lo digo bien despacio
Por el resto de mis dias
Quiero ser tu compania

Hay tantas cosas que me gustan hoy de ti

Me enamora que me hables con tu boca
Me enamora que me eleves hasta al cielo
Me enamora que de mi sea tu alma sonadora
Esperanza de mis ojos
Sin ti mi vida no tiene sentido
Sin ti mi vida es como un remolino
De cenizas que se van, oh
Volando con el viento

This crazy thing...

So I've more or less decided that I'm coming home in July (I still haven't bought a ticket yet, though...). Je ne sais pas por quoi, but for a long time (I've been mulling this over in my head for the past week) I've felt...I guess guilty for wanting to leave -- well not so much leave as wanting to return to the US. I guess I viewed it as giving into homesickness, and thus giving into a weakness for the familiar, and maybe it is a little (and that's normal), but I think it's more that I've realized that I've been enjoying and living this life that I made for myself here all along. And while I never stop learning new things here, I'm ready to leave this life behind. Akahow, c'est tout, that's all -- nothing more, nothing less.

I've been keeping a list of the various things I've learned about Tunisia, life, myself, and people in general since I came to Tunisia, kind of like a cliff notes version of my journal (which I've also been keeping). I updated it the other night and saw that it's getting pretty long, and my time here still isn't over. It has been more enriching than I could have ever expected.

Anyway, the point is that it should never be so much about the time you had, or the time you think you should have in a given place or a given situation. It's about what you do with that time and understanding that you have to learn to accept things for what they are, not for what you want them to be. Life just is. It doesn't try to be anything more than that. If you go through life waiting for it to start, you'll be waiting for a long, long time. We are what give Life it's meaning, so it's really up to us to decide what we want out of it - it's up to us to give ourselves purpose.

(Why do I always feel like these realizations are so simple and obvious after I have them?)

Here’s the day you hoped would never come
Don’t feed me violins, just run
With me through rows of speeding cars.
The paper cuts, the cheating lovers,
The coffee’s never strong enough,
I know you think it’s more than just bad luck.

There, there baby, it’s just textbook stuff.
It’s in the ABC of growing up
Now, now darling, oh don’t lose your head,
Cause none of us were angels
And you know I love you yeah.

"Speeding Cars" Imogen Heap

Let the music play

I'm one of those weird people who lives life through music. I know a song for every occasion, for every season, every mood. If I don't know a song that can capture something I find one or I try to make one up (though I'm not so good at the latter). I don't know what it is exactly that drives this, but the way the words mesh with a melody and a beat just seems to make them more meaningful or more... communicative. Different songs give me energy, or calm me down, or help me release my sadness. It's not about the bands or the genre for me, but about what an individual song expresses and how effectively it speaks to me. Perhaps this is something I developed growing up, this haphazard attachment to music, as a substitute for relying too heavily on other people (something I still have a hard time doing, or admitting to) and perhaps my years as a dancer played a significant role in looking for meaning in a song. As I've grown into myself, though, this need for music has stuck and become a big part of me. (I never really realized how much until different people on different occasions commented on my inane ability to sing/know a song for any given moment)

My appreciation for certain songs always deepens at the change of a season too. So many memories are tied to so many songs from different moments in time and as the smells and sounds of a season arrive, so too do the memories and excitement brought by the music I listen(ed) to begin to resurface. The weather in Tunisia has been gorgeous the past couple days. The sky here is always a source of amazement for me as well. It feels so big, and it's soo blue and the way the clouds dot and sweep the atmosphere...it's something I always seem to notice. The big sky and the gorgeous spring weather in this place are meshing with the sensations enhanced by the music of this season. While Toto's "Africa" has been in my head of late, the song that is striking me most relevantly is a garth brooks song introduced to me by a good friend in Colorado (another place with a piece of my heart) driving around in the summer. Listening to that with the call to prayer resounding in the background and the sun shining through my window...it's these moments that just make me smile and say "Ahh, I'm so lucky to be living this beautiful life!"

Standing Outside the Fire - Garth Brooks

We call them cold
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
and risk the tables being turned

We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
that always comes with getting burned

But you've got be tough
when consumed by desire
Cause it's not enough
just to stand outside the fire

We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall

We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all

Their so hell bent on giving
Walking a wire
convinced it's not living
if you stand outside the fire

Life is not tried
It is merely survived
if you're standing outside the fire

There's this love that is burning
deep in my soul
constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to climb
higher and higher
I can't abide
Standing outside the fire

"Silent Sea" by KT Tunstall

I was happy in my harbor
when you cut me loose
Floating on an ocean
and confused
Winds are whipping waves up
like skycrapers
And the harder they hit me
the less I seem to bruise

Oh when I find the controls
I'll go where I like
I'll know where I want to be
But maybe for now
I'll stay right here
on a silent sea

"Look into my eyes" by Outlandish

Look into my eyes
Tell me what you see
You don't see a damn thing
Cause you can't relate to me

Divided by our differences
My life makes no sense to you
I'm the persecuted one
You're the red, white, and blue

Each day you wake in tranquility
Your fists across your eyes
Each day I wake in gratitude
Thanking God he let me rise

You worry about your education
And the bills you have to pay
I worry bout my vulnerable life
And if I'll survive another day

You're biggest fear is getting a ticket
As you cruise your cadillac
My fear is that the tank that has just left
Will turn around and come back

Chorus:
Yet do you know the truth of where your money goes
Do you let the media deceive your mind
Is this a truth that nobody knows
Has our world gone all blind
Yet do you know the truth of where your money goes
Do you let the media deceive your mind
Is this a truth that nobody knows
Some one tell me

Oh let's not cry tonight
I promise you one day it's through
Ohohoh my brothers
Ohohoh my sisters

Oh shine a light for every soul
That ain't with us no more
Ohohoh my brothers
Ohohoh my sisters

See I've known terror for quite some times
57 years so cruel
Terror breathes the air I breathe
It's the check point on my way to school

Terror is the robbery of my land
And the torture of my mother
The imprisonment of my innocent father
The bullet in my baby brother

The bulldozers and the tanks
The gasses and the guns
The bombs that fall outside my door
All due to your funds

You blame me for defending myself
Against the ways of my enemies
I'm terrorized in my own land
Or am I the terrorist?

Chorus

I wanna know

Tunis is an interesting place. It's more European than I anticipated. It's a very modern, very open city that happens to be Arab. Yet, it's history is so vast and diverse. I went to the Bardo Museum on Sunday which is in an old palace from when Tunisia was a protectorate ruled by a Bey. It has gorgeous, well-kept mosaics and statutes from the Roman period. And the ceilings! Some of the most beautiful, intricate, hand carved creations I've ever seen. That someone had the patience, attention to detail and creativity to make such a thing boggles my mind. Later we went to Carthage to the old ruins by the sea as well as the ampitheater. I guess it's the American in me (since we don't have many things more than 300 years old, forget 3,000 years old), but being that close to such well preserved history fills me with a weird awe.

This country is still a bit of a mystery to me. It's phoenician, roman, moorish, ottoman, french, african, arab....but it's population is relatively homogenous. I have quite a few questions for tunisians. Do they really consider themselves Arab? French is the language of business and the educated middle and upper classes (keep in mind education is free through PhD here), but Arabic is the national language. However, I have a feeling that when we go to the south we will encounter far more tunsi (tunisian arabic)/arabic speakers than tunis. So why this connection with French? Is it to set themselves apart from the rest of the population? Is it to connect more with Europe and the "developed" world? Or is it more simply the residual affects of colonialism, and nothing deeper?

I can't talk about politics in this democracy, but I can say that they are very proud of their Code of Personal Status, and rightfully so. It was the legal measure that gave women equal, legitimate rights as men in 1956 or 57, right after independence. That's very impressive. But if so many Tunisians talk about it as a source of pride, there seem to be a lot of men who aren't aware of it since low-level (meaning primarily verbal) street harassment is a big concern for women. There's also the conservativism in the south. I can't help but think that they didn't get the "women aren't objects" memo.

Now, I don't mean to sound overtly critical. There are several imperfections to be seen in any country (i.e. racism/equality/affirmative action in the US). But these are all talking points that I'm struggling to find/make opportunities for. Partly because there's a language gap that makes it difficult to maintain the conversation (I can ask the question, and get a response, but continuing conversations gets difficult still), and partly because there aren't too many tunisians I know...yet.

More and more I realize that Tunis is but a window to this fascinating country, and as soon as I find the door, it's over the threshold for me.

"I can see there's so much to learn
It's all so close and yet so far
I see myself as people see me
Oh, I just know there's something bigger out there

I wanna know, can you show me
I wanna know about these
strangers like me
Tell me more, please show me
Something's familiar about these strangers like me"
- "Strangers Like Me" Tarzan

Driving

There's something about driving, about moving while at the same time sitting still, that invokes thought. I'm not sure why, but that's not important. As I listened to the Blerg Mix driving around my hometown, thinking about the weeks ahead, that strange spell was cast.

I realized something this past week...I have a lot more than I thought. I have finally figured out what was missing (to a degree) and made peace with some inner demons. This epiphany came with a small fear, as all new things do, that time is swift and change ever swifter.

Can we ever truly capture a moment in time? It's funny how the smallest moments mean so much. They're over so quickly, sometimes. They become tiny gems in the back of your mind that twinkle in the galaxy of reminiscence. When they happen, I wish I could stretch time and live in them forever. But I'll settle for storing these stars until the weary years come. As Coelho wrote, "Seek to live, Remembrance is for the Old."

And I'll leave you with a beautiful song that spoke to me tonight:

"Changing Colours" by The Great Lakes Swimmers

You look at me with uncertainty,
You look at me with urgency.
You look at me with fear in your eyes
like you're about to fall away.

But don't be afraid to change your colours now.
I've known you all Summer, and you rose above it all.
I see you hesitate to fall now,
But it's a pretty good view from down here, too.

And when the wind takes you, it takes me, too.
When you change colours, I change mine, too.
Try not to think, and I will try to.
When you let go, I will let go, too.

I knew you when you were green and strong.
You were like a feather on a wing, so long.
You know I will miss you when you are gone,
but don't be afraid if you just can't hang on.

'Cause when the wind takes you, it takes me, too.
When you change colours, I change mine, too.
Try not to think and I will try, too.
And when you let go, I will let go, too.

The cold air is pushing hard on you.
I know what you're saying; I can feel it, too.
You'll go through changes, and I'll go through them too.
Don't be afraid now, don't be afraid.

'Cause when the wind takes you, it takes me, too.
When you change colours, I change mine, too.
Try not to think and I will try, too.
And when you let go, I will let go, too

Crash and Burn by Savage Garden

I know it's cheesy, but I like it:


When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild, wild heart

I know you feel
like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find release
And people can be so cold

When darkness is upon your door and
you feel like you can't take anymore

(Chorus)
Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and Fly away with you into the night

If you need to fall apart
I can mend your broken heart
If you need to crash
then crash and burn you're not alone

When you feel all alone
and a loyal friend is hard to find
you're caught in a one way street
with the monsters in your head

You're hopes and dreams are far away
and you feel like you can't face the day

Chorus

Cause there has always been heartache and pain
and when it's over you'll breathe again
you'll breathe again

"Kissing You" by Des'ree

I've had quite a few things on my mind, lately. Nothing I really wish to divulge at the moment, mostly because none of it is really all that interesting or new. Basically recurring themes of previous thoughts/posts, so not really worth repeating. Right now I'm really just trying to adjust to my new balancing act for the semester.

I've had this song stuck in my head lately (after watching Romeo + Juliet...even though I abhor the play and I think that Romeo is the biggest pussy EVER, I mean really, dude, get over yourself, but I digress...)

Pride can stand a thousand trials
The strong will never fall
But watching stars without you
my soul cried
Heaving heart is full of pain
oh, oh, the aching
Cause I'm kissing you, oh
I'm kissing you, oh

Touch me deep, pure and true
gift to me forever
Cause I'm kissing you, oh
I'm kissing you, oh

Where are you now?
Where are you now?
Cause I'm kissing you
I'm kissing you

Des'ree sings it so beautifully. It really makes your heart ache. (Okay, it makes my heart ache, I guess I can't speak for whoever reads this...)

This Woman's Work

So I went to this Jazz class on Monday night and let's just say I'm back.

By back I mean I'm back in the element, right back where I left off when I quit dance 4 or 5 years ago. Now physically, I need to build my balance and flexibility back up, it's there just rusty and out of practice. But everything else is all there.

I've been meaning to go to a dance class again for awhile, but it was always a matter of time and deciding which one. I've been in a very lyrical mood lately, so it was quite perfect when the instructor turned on "This Woman's Work" by Maxwell for a beautiful lyrical combination.
- for those of you who are not familiar with dance/dance lingo Lyrical dance is pretty self explanitory. The dance is based off of the mood and words of a song. It's very expressive and sort of tells the song's story. It's usually to slow, beautiful ballads and such (i.e. This Woman's Work)

I haven't been able to get the song or the combination out of my head. I guess the best way to describe the way it makes me feel is to say that it frees me. Now that I'm dancing solely for myself, without worrying about other responsibilities conflicting or about the instructor's opinion...you know, none of that history/baggage that went along with growing up in a particular dance studio and high school...anyway now that I'm just dancing for the sake of dancing it is the most liberating thing.

Think of the one thing you choose to do when you want to escape from the world, the thing you do to make everything just melt away and for me that's dance. When I'm dancing, I can let everything out. It's difficult to express in words, at least for me. There's just an energy about the music and the movement that cleanses the soul and let's everything go. And performing...man, there is nothing like dancing on stage, feeding off of the audience's energy and showing them how you feel.

And I'll let you in on a not-so-secret secret. When I found out that AIESEC did dances, that it was a pivotal part of the org's culture, I knew I was in the right place. I can't say that I would've been quite as excited about saving the world with AIESEC if we didn't dance like we do.

Alright, so I need to get this song out of my head, at least for a little while:

"This Woman's Work"

Pray God you can cope
I stand outside
This woman's work
This woman's world
Oh, it's hard on the man
now his part is over
Now starts the craft of the father

I know you have a little life in you yet
I know you've got a lot of strength left
I know you've got a little life in you yet
I know you've got a lot of strength left

I should be crying but I just can't let it show
I should be hoping but I can't stop thinking
All those things we should've said that we never said
All those things we should've done that we never did
All those things we should've given but I didn't

Oh darling, make it go
Make it go away

Give me these moments
Give them back to me
Give me that little kiss
Give me your hand

I know you've got a little life in you yet
I know you've got a lot of strength left
I know you've got a little life in you yet
I know you've got a lot of strength

I should be crying but I just can't let it show
I should be hoping but I can't stop thinking
All those things we should've said that we never said
All those things we should've done that we never did
All those things that you wanted from me
All those things that you needed from me
All those things we should've given but I didn't

Oh darling, make it go
Make it go away

The Long Way Around - Dixie Chicks

My friends from high school
Married their high school boyfriends
Moved into houses
in the same zip codes where their parents lived

But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

I hit the highway
in a pink RV with stars on the ceiling
Lived like a gypsy
Six strong hands on the steering wheel

I've been a long time gone now
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
But I've always found my way somehow

By taking the long way
Taking the long way around

I met the queen of whatever
Drank with the Irish and smoked with the hippies
Moved with the Shakers
Wouldn't kiss all the asses that they told me to

No I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

It's been two long years now
Since the top of the world came crashing down
And I'm getting it back on the road now

By taking the long way
Taking the long way around

Well, I fought with a stranger and met myself
I opened my mouth and I heard myself
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself
Guess I could've made it easier on myself

But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

Well I never seem to do it like anybody else
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
If you ever wanna find me I can still be found

Taking the long way,
Taking the long way around

--This song reminds me of 2 people, my sister, and a guy I worked with last summer named Jesse

Transatlanticism - Death Cab for Cutie

The Atlantic was born today and I'll tell you how:
The clouds above opened up and let it out.

I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere
when the water filled every hole,
and thousands upon thousands made an ocean
making islands where no islands should go
oh no.

Those people were overjoyed, they took to their boats.
I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flood lands to your door have been silenced
forever more.
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
it seems farther than ever before.
oh no.

I need you so much closer.