Life Lesson #23

Here in these deep city lights, girl could get lost tonight. I’m finding every reason to be gone. There’s nothing here to hold on to. Could I hold on to you?

I’ve recently hit that same wall of reality that I’ve watched my older friends and siblings experience in their first few months/years as former college students. Hit is a light term. I’m pretty sure I crashed into it, which actually isn't all that bad. Crashing created a strong impact, so maybe after a few more go’s I’ll be through to whatever awaits on the other side. I just hope it’s not another wall…

It took me longer than I expected to fully acknowledge that I have to hold myself accountable and take full control over the direction of my life now. I did the whole 4-year college thing and chose not to go straight to grad school so I no longer have such structured expectations to fall back on. It’s just me and the rest of the world, living our lives.

This is all normal, from what I understand – simply a part of the whole coming-of-age process. What really jarred me was that I caught myself doing something I swore I wouldn’t do. I promised myself I would never let myself get stuck; that I would never be someone so caught up in the daily grind that they forget about the goals they had previously set for themselves. Yet, there I was, living day to day, falling into a sense of complacency, and promising myself that one day in the not-so-distant future I’d be doing something I truly cared about.

Now, it’s not like I’m about to quit my day job tomorrow and do something extravagant. This wasn’t that type of awakening. It was simply a lesson that it really is all too easy to just let life happen to you and sometimes it takes a lot of effort to hold the reins and steer. Thanks Life, duly noted.

The Life of a Professional Job-Seeker

You know how when you join networking sites like linkedin or go out for happy hour with a friend and their co-workers and there's that question: So, what do you do?

I've decided saying: "I'm a professional job seeker" sounds more interesting than "I'm [still] unemployed]" (well, maybe neither of those would sound so good on linkedin...)

My weekdays consist of waking up around 9am, grabbing a FiberOne bar or pop tarts, driving to the Greenbelt Metro station where I ride the Metro to U St.

I then proceed to spend most of the day sitting in a comfy chair at Busboys and Poets, sipping my latte (gotta make it last) and applying for jobs. I do this mostly because my roommate and I can't get our internet to work at home, but also because at least it gets me out of the house.

I have developed a fairly comprehensive routine once I open my browser: gmail, 'new tab' then: idealist, gwork, devex, washington post, washington city paper, craigslist, sometimes monster and linkedin, and then any company/organization websites for vacancies that may not have been posted elsewhere yet.

Sometimes I'll look at the traineeships, CEEDs, and MC positions on myaiesec.net longingly. A new PBOX in Colombia is about to open that would be perfect, but I'm gonna try not to get my hopes up for that until more information is available.

Around 6pm, when I can't take cover letter writing anymore or start to get frustrated, I go further downtown where I watch cash cab and jeopardy with my friends Tom and Katie before returning to Glenn Dale for dinner, maybe a movie or reading a few chapters before bed.

Wake up. Repeat.

Hi world. Please employ me. Thanks!

"Dear Amanda: We regret to inform you that we cannot fulfill your request for employment. Things are hectic now and there's simply just no time to train you in the crazy, mile a minute world. While we cannot accept you now, we will keep you in mind in the future. Thank you for your interest. Sincerely, 'the World'"

This pretty much sums up my life right now (thanks to my contextually hilarious roommate, Erika).

I have options. I do not worry whether I will find something worth doing. The desperation comes from waiting to land the job I want and figuring out worthy back-up plans or interim options. At this point, if I don't get the kick-ass job with FORGE working with refugees in Zambia, I'll probably end up teaching English in Colombia. Why is that my back-up? I really want to go to Colombia, good pay, and health insurance. But, for now, I just have to wait and hear back about Zambia.

This is definitely an interesting time. In a month, my friends and I will be dispersing throughout the globe indefinitely. It's liberating, exciting, and kind of terrifying. There's this sense of urgency to soak up all of DC and do everything I never took advantage of, but always wanted to (and then realizing I don't really have the time or money to do it all). There's the shared concern of keeping in touch with friends who will be far away (especially because I am terrible at doing that). The interesting prospect of meeting new people and making new friends (though, how that happens is still a fairly baffling process). The apathy as securing a job and living up the last month grow more important than coursework. And, ultimately, the looming shadow of "good-bye" that we all know is coming.

4 weeks until the semester ends. 5 1/2 weeks until graduation. Crazy.

Everybody Sails Alone

But we can travel side by side
Even if you fail
You know that no one really minds. (KT Tunstall)

Astronomy/Cosmology is something that has always piqued my curiosity. I was watching an episode of "The Universe and Beyond" on the History Channel this afternoon (great series, btw), and it is really fascinating how inconceivably large the Universe is. The show at the Griffith Observatory planetarium in LA pans out from LA to the Earth, to our Solar System, to our Galaxy, to the billions and billions of galaxies out in space just to provide a glimpse at how vast the universe is. When I go to Durango, I can always see millions of stars at night and it's strange to think that some of the stars we see are no longer in existence; that the spark of light I am seeing has travelled several lightyears in order for it to be visible from a small town in SW Colorado on a tiny planet on the edge of a galaxy.

So, contemplating the universe is intriguing, but how does that translate to reality as a member of this organism called society? The more I think about it, the more obvious it becomes that life is about being interesting (to yourself) and doing what matters (to you). I mean, you have this one life on this one planet for a relatively short period of time in this incredibly vast universe, what difference does it make?

It's more than just living in the moment, carpe diem-ing and all that. It's thinking about the big picture, about the days when your sitting with your children or your grandchildren. What kind of stories are you going to have? What types of experiences will you share with them? Our lives, however cosmically short they may be, are full of choices, are made up of choices. In the end, these choices are all we really have, or at least the consequences of these choices. So I guess the question is how to decide which choices are the right ones. But that's for you to decide.

"This Way" by Dilated Peoples

This has been the song in my head. This post is also a test to see if Blogger has stopped hating me.

I, I can't live my, can't live my
yeah, I can't live my life this way, continually get high
Instead of runnin 'round, lock one bird down
it's a new day gotta do it big just to get right
show no respect? can't live that way
you hold my check? can't live that way
without my chick on deck? can't live that way
They say what they like, but I've been that way
Our moves calculated through the lens, almost here
Success will be the best revenge
man, from Clint East' to Kanye West
Som can't chill but everyday it says:

This time I made up my mind
This time I'm back on my grind
I know there's things in my life
That I'ma let go starting tonight
I can't live my, I, I can't live my
I can't live my life this way

To infinity and beyond...

So here's my status so far:

Tonight - Peace Corps application about to be submitted

Wed. Jan 28 - meeting with my professor to get some advice about establishing Our Voices, the refugee organization I 'proposed' last semester

Feb 7th - Taking the Foreign Service Officer Test


Back-up plan: Traineeship


I think it would be an incredible challenge to establish Our Voices, and amazingly rewarding if I pull it off, but part of me feels it might be better to get some more field experience before I start creating something potentially controversial in potentially dangerous and/or unstable locations. (hence the peace corps option)

These next two weeks will likely have a significant influence as to which direction I'll decide to commit to. Commitment of this nature has always been an issue for me. The Foreign Service is something I've always debated with myself, whether or not that's the avenue I really want to go. It was my initial career goal in studying international affairs and still holds some appeal, plus taking the test would be a helpful experience. I doubt I'll pass, but who knows?

All I know is that being stuck in a cubicle, biding my time with menial tasks, is not someplace I want to be. Not unless I know it's a necessary step toward a long-term goal, which is not yet the case.

"We'll see," said the Zen Master

New Year's Resolutions:

1. Establish Our Voices, the organization I proposed last semester
2. Get a well paying job this semester to earn and (more importantly) save money
3. Use said money for travel and/or OV (or perhaps travel for OV)
4. Reconnect with old friends
5. Stay focused

Entering 2009 is very different from 2008. In 2008 I knew where I would be throughout the year, or at least where I would end up. 2009 is very open-ended. It's exciting and unnerving at the same time, but I guess that means that this is going to be a very pivotal year in terms of starting down a new path. The OV project is definitely my goal, there is too much behind it and too much potential not to try now. That is the only thing that has really been clear.

That and more traveling. There are so many places I still want to go to, so many I really want to experience. It's going to be a challenge to decide when, where, and how long I can give to each place as well as finding the means to do so. But like most of my traveling, at least travel for travel's sake, the opportunities will present themselves as they come.

PS I just saw Slumdog Millionaire. It was fantastic, like super fantastic. SEE IT!